skate

a couple of weeks ago, my worker called. shocked the hell out of me. she was sending me a ticket to an event that was coming up, cause she had been talking to somebody who said they would make sure that A was there. a few weeks before, i was sitting next to her at a meeting, and said that i was interested in him, and apparently this time she heard me (even though i had already asked about him in june). it was going to be a skating party where kids and families could interact and hope for that spark.
so today i went to the roller rink. it was ok. it was not really an activity that naturally led to conversation, as was the case with bowling and the zoo. but everybody knew i was there to meet A, so this lady went and got him from skating and made him come over and introduced us. i punked out. i had no idea what to say to him. so he went back skating and i sat down again to watch kids skate around and around and around.
when the group that he came with went to eat, i went with them and sat at their table. again, i was completely tongue-tied. they are just little kids. but it is such a weird situation, it makes me very uncomfortable. eventually, they all went to play laser tag, and i was alone again.

Disgusted and Horrified

i am so full of negative feelings right now. michigan was one of 11 states to pass amendments to their constitutions that were more or less meant to crush the gay equal rights movement. equal not special. i always thought that changing the constitution was a big deal. apparently all those moral voters do not have the same respect for it as a document of freedom and democracy. they are so full of hate, and of course, it's the same people who cry that homosexuals are so promiscuous and trying to recruit. we're the same as anybody, and some of us just want to settle down and raise a family in peace.
oh, and then, i hear that orrin hatch would like to change the us constitution to allow foreign born citizens to be president. believe me, i am not at all opposed to the idea, but the timing is so obviously about arnold it makes me sick. so here states are acting to prevent the building of families, and the us constitution could conceivably be amended for ONE man???!?!?!?!? a sexist womanizing violent pig at that.
i didn't call adoption agencies again today. i went to the fia yesterday, and for some reason they gave me a packet about foster care. i don't know if they misunderstood, or if they only recruit foster families who might be able to adopt their foster kids someday.

adoption journey conference

yesterday i went to a conference all day to learn more stuff about adoption, and now i don't know what to do with all the info. maybe i should get a 'new parent' binder and put all my stuff into different catagories like an organized person. i'm just afraid that everything i've been learning in the past year and a half or more is just gonna be all jumbled together (and very possibly lost) in my head and will just turn into unusable info mush. also, the people that i talked to there have finally given me the kick i needed to change agencies. this time i want to do it right and keep track of EVERYTHING and this seems like a fun way of keeping track of dates and thoughts, even if nobody ever reads it but me.

• session 1 - rage and soothing mechanisms very interesting look at development in the first three years of life (and lack of) and how that leads to future emotional responses. and the soothing stuff was cool too, like "wringing" your hands releases dopamine so have 'em go put on lotion. this gives them a break in the environment and event and helps them calm down and i think using a soothing smell like lavendar would help too.
• session 2 - parenting the sexually abusive child pretty tough subject, but interestingly, it doesn't really disturb me that much. that's why even though i don't think that i would want a criminally abusive child, i think that i would definitely be ok with a sexually abused kid or one with weird boundary issues or behaviors. also i have no other kids to worry about keeping safe in my home (the dogs might be a problem, but much less so than exposing another child to that stuff). we'll see. it will likely turn out that they will have been sexually abused whether i'm prepared for that or not. *i just had a thought about me being a mom and how could i communicate w/a son without embarrassing him too much. what if we had a shared notebook/journal that we could both write our thoughts in. that way, he doesn't have to be telling his mom stuff, but could still get input. could work for other things that are too hard to talk about openly too. i need to put an ideas catagory in my new parent binder too.
• session 3 - growing up in a different culture cool panel discussion with mostly korean born folks raised by white families. the thing that i seem to be getting most strongly from these types of people/books/learning experiences is to make multiculturalism a normal part of your life (duh, but may be easier said than done), and communicate with the kids and validate their experiences since i will have no way of ever knowing how it feels really.
• session 4 - single adoptive and foster parenting it can be done. support support support support.