...I'm common, I'm Cuban, I'm blitzin'!!!

Merry Christmas! Things went surprisingly well the past couple of days. Even though Santa didn't bring everything he asked for, D was really happy. One sobbing, emotionally overwhelmed breakdown during Christmas Eve dinner, but other than that just a few bumps in the road. We both got Heelys from the jolly old elf, and spent much of the day practicing with them. Now he is on the other side of the state with Aunt A and her man. Yay!!! I am on my own for a few relaxing evenings while he visits them. The TV is on, I'm messing around with the computer, and tomorrow is video game night for me. I may even have an adult beverage!

Merry X

Well, I started a hardcore responsibilities = privileges system. Right now we are in the first stage with no tv, games, special "D time", nothing but reading or amusing yourself in some unplugged way. It's the third day, and the first two he was not successful in working towards more privileges. Today was good. Woke up on time (Christmas party & last day of school were motivating), no major opposition to anything, helped cook dinner, had good visit with caseworker, and bed without a fuss. I don't know if he'll be able to hold it together for the last 4 days until Santa comes. Then next week he is spending a couple of days at my sister's house, so we will both get a break. I am hoping we will be approved for and start in-home therapy soon after the new year. It sounds like we will be going to court sometime in January to finalize the adoption. While I'm not holding my breath, it's possible that he might relax a little bit after that. More proof of permanency?
We took turns reading and combing each other's hair tonight. It was fun. He has a baby afro that we have not been taking proper care of. The hair thing will probably come up as a huge post sometime soon. It is an issue.

Roller Coaster of Love

Things have been very rough the past few weeks. Lots of aggression and defiance and power struggles. Meds don't seem to do too much so far. I don't think it is a problem for drugs to fix, but I'm running out of steam. I am very tired of being bullied by a little kid. It's so weird. When you see those little brats on shows like oprah or nanny 911, you roll your eyes at how ridiculous. Until you have one. And I knew it was gonna be hard, of course, but until it is living in your house... People are sympathetic and supportive, but they really don't have any idea what the constant button pushing is like.
Things we have tried:
timers, hugs, removing privileges, yelling, ignoring, time out in bedroom for D, time out in bedroom for mom, dogs moved to safety, fake "holding therapy" or kinda modified and loving restraint, tokens, charts, schedules, written rules, reading rules daily, giving choices, natural consequences, payback for mom's wasted time/energy/money with chores, talking, lecturing, nagging...
and many combinations and variations of everything I can think of or read about.
And sometimes, he is an absolute doll. Funny and thoughtful and cheerful. It is just harder than you can imagine.

Things have gone horribly wrong. I checked D into the psych hospital this morning because he is so out of control. He has always had major tantrums since we started overnight visits, but has lately been getting more and more violent. Attacking me and the dogs at the slightest provocation, like one of them stepping on his foot or me stopping a rousing game of "D Tells Mom How She is Kicking the Ball Wrong". Not only have things gotten more violent, but more frequent as well. Apparently I have not provided enough structure or discipline. He does not get away with a whole lot, but I guess I play with him too much or let him decide too many things???? I thought that giving kids choices and loving them even when they make bad ones and making sure they know you love them and enjoy spending time with them were good things for kids. Maybe my kid can't handle that right now.

Third Week of School

Tonight it was open house at school, so I got to see D's classroom and where he sits (right in front of Ms. Teacher's desk). He was excited to show me everything, whereas a lot of kids were just kinda standing around with their parents. Then we had to come home and do homework, and he "hates school! it's boring! my whole class hates me!" It takes him like 15 minutes to do one problem (it's always math). He is pretty far behind in math, but I'm doing my best to help and not stress him out.
Last night we went to therapy and he got to talk to the therapist by himself finally. We also saw the psychiatrist earlier in the day. He prescribed Adderall, what he was on before, and another drug that seems a little scary. It's an ANTIPSYCHOTIC, but it's prescribed to kids "all the time" to help with aggressive behavior and tantrums and bipolar disorder. We'll see what happens. He's also starting "group" with the social worker at school, and went to a group for new kids with the other social worker. He will definitely have a lot of help if he wants to make use of it.

yes I am talking about you mom!!!!!

Camping checklist
BEDDING & EQUIPMENT
sleeping bags
pillows
air mattress
sheets
tent
chairs

CLOTHES
jeans
shirts
shorts
undies
socks
tennis shoes
beach shoes
sweatshirt
swimsuit & towel

BATHROOM ITEMS
toothbrush
toothpaste
hairbrush
washcloth
soap
contact lens supplies
glasses
pills
lotion
bandaids

FOOD/COOKING
foil
paper plates
paper towels
bottled water
poptarts/granola bars
pita bread
hummus
tomato sauce & cheese
apples & oranges
munchies
baby carrots
sandwiches
pop
single crystal light packs??
plasticware
tablecloth
hotdogs & buns
ketchup & mustard packs


MISC
flashlight/lantern
camera
beach toys
batteries
mitts & ball
cards/games
books/magazines
fire starters
phone
walkie talkies
paint & paintbrushes
bugspray
sunblock

Hoooraaayyyyy!!!!!!

Dionte and I had a frustrating trip to our new therapist this morning. Dozens of phone calls and coordinating faxes and permissions granted were still not enough for us to be "treated" today, as I am not yet his legal guardian and couldn't sign consent forms (which is what I thought most of the hullabaloo had been about in the first place). I was pretty upset and annoyed, because the whole point of starting him at a new place was so that we would already have something in place before he came to my house to live. That and the heat and the frustration of not knowing when I WOULD be able to sign such things led to a slightly embarrassing and emotional visit to the adoption agency today to find out what was going on and vent a little bit.
Then this afternoon I got a phone call from his adoption worker saying she heard I had been by and she wanted to see how I was doing. I told her fine, and she said she wanted me to feel better than fine, and what was I doing on Friday?
WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!!! FINALLY!!!! We will be going to court on Friday morning. Yes, this Friday! to get consent to have him placed in my home that day. He will, in fact, be coming home Thursday night so that we can get up early enough to be spiffy and at the courthouse bright and early (for him).
After this, we will be in "supervision" for at least six months, with our case worker checking in with us and making sure we are doing ok. I'm going to take a week off from work to hopefully help ease the transition a little, and we'll see how things go. I'm very excited!!!!

Super Kid

After last weekend's struggles, I wasn't sure what to expect for our latest visit. It turned out to be really good. Friday night we went to see Common at the Tastefest, and our evening ended pretty badly. We left without eating anything and after seeing only a couple of songs. He had to go to bed as soon as we got home (he didn't want anything to eat), and he hates everybody and everything, but still wanted me to hang out with him in bed.
I have been laying down with him after lights out, usually 'til he falls asleep. I'm not sure if this is gonna turn out to be setting us up for bad times ahead, 'cause of course I won't always be able to do that. For now, though, it is a nice time to chat and cuddle.
Saturday night, our friends came over for dinner, swimming, and sparklers. We had a lot of fun and he was really good for the most part. He is so nice to babies, and hung out with baby Charlie for quite a while. He also was using his mask and snorkle to go underwater which he has been a bit hesitant to do too much.
Sunday, he slept in until 12:30! And we had a wonderful day. Very happy and fun and silly and cuddly. He ran around all day with a towel tied around his neck making him Super D. I guess he needed to catch up on his sleep. Another good thing was him taking Miles outside when he got obnoxious. I told D I was sooo proud of him for doing that instead of hitting or kicking the poor dog. Hug hug what a great choice. Later, when they were playing with a toy, Miles bit him, and he picked up a magazine and started to give him a whack. But, he stopped and said, "No! I'm not gonna hit you, I'm gonna put you outside!" Woohooo for positive reinforcement.

In the Wild

Last weekend we went camping with Mom's whole family, aunts and uncles and cousins. D had a lot of fun. We went "swimming" in the river, had fires, rode bikes, slept in the tent, played catch, and Amy and Corey made ladder golf for everybody to play.
On Saturday night, D was riding his bike around and sailing by, PeeWee Herman style, every few minutes to show us his tricks. It started to get a little dark and Mom was going to make ice cream with the kids, and he wasn't coming by anymore. I got on my bike and rode around. Nowhere. Got in the car to look, and still no sign of him. I wasn't panicked, but pretty worried. I finally found him riding with my uncle and cousin. Sometimes it's easy to forget that he needs a lot of explicit rules completely spelled out for him. It is not ok to disappear! Better ask for permission if you're leaving!
Now this weekend, he is just itchin' to fight with me. So yesterday afternoon he had a fit for no reason and was put in his room to calm down and get control of himself. This apparently means throw things around as hard as you can. SMASH!!!! Broke his window. I think it shocked and scared him a little because he calmed down soon after that. Now he has a fifty dollar IOU that he'll have to work off. So far he's paid back 50 cents by spraying the driveway weeds with vinegar.
At therapy on Monday he didn't want to talk to Donna, and she told him he looked like he needed a hug. Does Beth give you hugs? "no" Does your grandma give you hugs? "no" So she called me in at the end of his session and suggested I get him a stuffed animal to cuddle and sleep with and carry with him between both houses. I don't know why I was afraid he might be too cool, since he's never given me any reason to think that. He was thrilled to get a soft cuddly elephant, and carried it down to breakfast with him in the morning. Hopefully he can get a tiny bit of comfort from it. He's having a really rough time, and I feel pretty helpless right now.

Oh yeah, say goodbye to Miles for me!!

i hadn't realized that it's been more than a month since i wrote anything. d and i have been getting along fine, learning stuff about each other, trying to work out some sort of routine. last weekend i finally got really angry at him. we went downtown to the farmer's market, which i thought would be a lot more fun and interesting than the stupid grocery store. as soon as we stepped out of the parking garage he started whining and saying his feet hurt and this is boring and let's just buy one thing and then leave. i got some grapes because we both love them and by that time he had started to cry. he did not want to be there. i bought a couple more things and tried to reason with him and when that didn't work, i tried to bargain with him. he didn't even want an elephant ear. thank god! i don't want to buy carnival treats every time we go somewhere he doesn't want to be.
so, i started a big grown-up pout and turned around and stalked off to the car and made him do a little trot to try to keep up with me (i was looking to make sure i didn't lose him, but he wouldn't have been able to see me doing it). and in the car i flicked off the song that we had listened to over and over on the way there because it was "BORING". he had to listen to npr all the way home and neither of us talked.
i apologized to him later, and he looked really uncomfortable while i talked. so, yeah, new mom does get mad and can pout and whine with the best of them. but he did get his way. i'm gonna call it a draw.
so....
this week was his turn to get really angry. we went to a tigers game friday night and he was pouting off and on about our seats not being in a good place to catch a ball and i don't even have a mitt if one did come up here, etc. so the tigers suck cause d didn't get a foul ball to take home. ok, whatever.
but then the next day, we started to set up our new bag o' water pool, and i was fussing about whether the ground was level. he suggested that perhaps we should cut the grass. what he meant was "i want to cut the grass". i said no. he stomped off into the house. a little later he came back out and i was busy with the pool, not paying much attention and i heard duncan do a mad dog growl/bark thing.
"why did he do that?"
"i kicked him" !!!??!!
"leave the dog alone"
went back to smoothing the bottom of the pool and look up just in time to see him pushing over the bench swing onto the flower bed. i rushed over and righted the swing and told him to get in the house. without the dogs. well, that was the last straw for him. i could see him every once in a while looking out the back door at me and then walking away when i looked up. so i eventually got thirsty and came in the house. his suitcase was sitting on the back stairs so i took the bait and brought it in to him and asked why his suitcase was on the stairs.
"i'm leaving!!!"
"where are you gonna go?"
"my grandma's house!!!"
"it's pretty far and it's hot out. you'll get thirsty and hungry."
d shrugs and starts looking for his hat. says goodbye to duncan. turns on his way out the door to tell me to say bye to miles for him (he was in the backyard). he probably got about three houses down the block and came back to ask which way he needed to go to get to grandma's. i printed up mapquest directions, showed him that it said 14.6 miles, and gave it to him. i stayed on the computer and didn't hear him open the door, but after a couple of minutes i got up to see if he was standing on the corner. the front door was wide open. DAMNIT!!! both dogs running away too. i grabbed their leashes and started walking down the street whistling for them. there was d dragging duncan back by his collar. we got both dogs home. he'll stay if i let him mow the lawn. ummmm...no. then he asked me to explain the map to him.
"i really don't want to help you run away. i wish you'd stay. i love you."
"no you don't! you're always so mean to me!" oh really?? i asked for examples. i'm mean because one time when he threw down the nintendo controller in anger i told him 'don't you do that!' and when he knocked over the swing i told him to 'get in the house!'
"well, i can't make you stay here, but you are always welcome. good luck with your running away from problems strategy. be safe. i love you."
"I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!" as he slams the front door shut.
it continued like this a couple more times until he just gave up and watched me play a video game until he felt like playing too. i did not give him a lesson in reading maps.

Lullaby needed

The annual block sale at my aunt's house was today. And what a beautiful day! Last year was freezing and wet, but today was perfect. We went to the game store last night and got a new game for D's Gameboy that he could play all day today. He was very very good for the most part. My cousin's boy was there too, and they sat and played their Gameboys together. Afterwards, A came back to our house and played for a couple of hours. Unfortunately for him, this consisted of a lot of bossing by D and being a spectator as D played basketball and rode his bike. I eventually got him to come in and play videogames with me instead of standing around being bored.
We only had one meltdown today which was in fact very similar to actual melting. Amazing since he had such a hard time going to sleep last night. I layed down next to him for a while and rubbed his back, but no dice. I do believe he was trying to sleep, too, and not just goofing. So there was big huge potential for sour crabby boy.
I'm afraid that the no sleeping thing may be a side effect of the Adderall. He also ate next to nothing. He wanted to try Subway, but complained that the half of his meatball sub that I cut for him was too big. So he ate 3 inches of sub, no breakfast since he slept in late, a handful of cheetos and a bite of bagel for lunch, and half a piece of pizza and some salad for dinner. He said he's just never hungry anymore. I suspect another side effect. I offered him things throughout the day, just to make sure he wasn't too distracted or forgetting to eat. He just didn't want anything. Poor baby.
We saw a rainbow on the way back to his other house.

Street sense

Unfortunately, D wasn't able to stay here for Easter. He will have to find his basket next week. I did go to a therapy session last week, though, which was definitely interesting. It was me, D, and foster mom all in together, and it was a review of his goals and progress. One goal being personal safety. So we are working on that. Friday night we practiced stopping at every corner and looking both ways before crossing the street. But, after we rode around in the park a little, some mangey little boy asked if he could ride his bike, and D just handed it over. Nice that he wants to share, but man that's a bad idea. The kid didn't take off or anything, and the two played together until we had to leave. How're you supposed to handle something like that?
On saturday, we bought a dwarf peach tree and a plum tree at Big Lots (!), and planted one of them. Then D played basketball while I finished up and started dinner. I looked out the window, and he had a little audience watching him. The kids next door (probably around 5 and 3 yrs old) had pulled a little lawn chair and baby bike over to the fence and were cheering him on and talking to him. So so cute and funny. So at least he's been able to see that there are friendly, fun kids around here. I don't know if he had even thought about it, but I'm glad anyways.

Liberal family values

I just had to write to my case worker about "my family's traditions and the values they left me with". I hope I can pass them along as well.

Values: empathy; tolerance; compassion; equality; responsibility; dependability; nonviolence and peaceful conflict resolution; importance of education; appreciation of art and creative pursuits; love for and conservation of nature; critical and independent thinking

Teary goodbye

Yesterday, D cried all the way back to the agency. He didn't want to leave and he wanted me to let his worker and his grandma know that he wanted to stay with me. Of course, I had to cry too. I want him to stay with me and not leave either. We have a few little odds and ends in our case that need to be taken care of before they can file it with the court. But, hopefully within the next couple of months he will be able to move in for good.
For now though, he is going to come over every Friday night and go back to his foster family Saturday night. Yay!
Even though everybody says how hard it is to go through the adoption process, it is just starting to sink in that they may be right. Just going to one therapy session with him and yesterday's sobbing were absolutely breaking my heart. I gave him my phone number, but I don't know if he will be allowed to use the phone. Grandma seemed genuinely sympathetic when I dropped him off. I hope she lets him.
sigh

Brainstorming ideas for next visit & he writes...

The Color of Love

I have been considering the issue of race and racial identity since I began thinking about adopting. Will I be able to parent a child of another race? Will I be cheating him out of a racially congruent family? How will I make sure that he grows up with a healthy love of himself? Am I comfortable with becoming a minority family? The questions are endless, and the answers very elusive.
I don't believe in "color blind". I don't think that loving my child is enough when it comes to forming a multi-racial household. I do think (hope) that having a white mom is better than a childhood in the foster care system only to be abandoned the second you turn 18, ready or not.
Last Saturday, D was talking about how I live on the east side and grandma lives on the west side. A little while later, he bursts out with "All the people on the east side are white!" Now this is far from reality, but on that day, every single person outside was white. I began praying for any person of color to make an appearance. A group of kids would be especially comforting. It was not to be. All white all the way home.
Even though I have been thinking about all of this for a long time, I was surprisingly unprepared when the topic came up. I had planned to talk about it with him, and make sure that he was ok with a white family. Assure him that he would not be cut off from the black community or be expected to be somebody he was not. Have I been avoiding it? Maybe. I guess I just didn't want the happy bubble to burst yet. Or have him look at me and go "Oh no! You're WHITE? I don't want to do this anymore! This is not the family I signed up for."
That, thankfully, is not what happened, but the exchange was miles away from being the satisfying and loving chat that I fantasized about. He expressed his worry about the issue, and I told him I'm glad he told me because I think we should be able to talk about it. DOH! Hopefully, he will get used to my fumbling attempts at being his mom, and now that the race door is opened maybe we can explore that a little further each time it comes up.

D and I have been having visits since the end of November. He is a very charming little boy if he wants to be and definately quite outgoing. Very very little awareness of stranger danger, understandable since he's had to completely trust one stranger after another in his life. It's a little disconcerting, though, to have a kid his age constantly greeting everybody that walks by or going to someone else's table at Burger King and sitting down to chat. A toddler maybe, but an almost 8 yr old? I'm sure there's some big developmental explanation that somebody could write a case study about, but he's certainly a friendly guy.
We haven't had any problems yet, but we don't get to spend more than 6 hrs at a time together. We've mostly just been hanging out, getting used to being in this house with these dogs and this mom. I keep wondering when this big temper tantrum or wild outburst is going to happen, but I don't see any sign of it. Of course, I have been pretty easygoing too, so far. We're still in a little bit of a guest/host relationship, but I don't think in an uncomfortable way. When he says "going to your house" I always reply with a "going to our house". Saturday, we talked about how my family would be related to him when I'm his mom. Another Grandma (foster mom is "Grandma"), Grandpa, and aunts. He was interested in meeting the aunts, and we had already planned to celebrate all 4 family February birthdays next visit. He can meet them then.
Miles and Duncan are still pretty intimidating to him. They are just big and wild and so excited to see him. We have a routine when we get home - he runs around to the front door, and I go in the back and let out the dogs, and then let him in. They are catching on, though. It's gonna get harder and harder to get them to go outside when they can hear him running down the driveway. We need lots of work on dog etiquette. Always have, but now moreso. Of course it probably doesn't help that he runs to the treats every time he walks in. Is he trying to bribe them into calming down? I guess that's something we can work on together.
Things are progressing anyways, and I got a call today to come in to the agency to sign subsidy papers. I'm sure that one of these days, I will wish that I could ship him off to his other house, but for now, I am feeling as impatient as ever.