Aaaarrrrggghhhh!

It is so hard to be the parent of a mentally/emotionally damaged child. D's game lately is to command me to do something. Tonight it was find his clothes for picture day tomorrow. In fact, I already had and told him so. But it seems that the clothes were not what he needed, he just wanted me to follow his order. Unacceptable. Unfortunately, if I refuse, he starts a struggle that can go on for an hour or more. If he can't get me to obey through threats or begging or trying to stop whatever I'm doing, he will start pushing me which can eventually lead to hitting. Any parent who allows themselves to be pulled into a power struggle has already lost some power. So, there is my dilemma. If I let him order me around, I lose. If I refuse, I also lose.
And, he will argue with me over anything. Not just regular stuff like bedtime, or how much is too much candy. Tonight, we both were on his bed within clear sight of his clock. I said "It's past 9:30." "No, it's not." INSANE!!!! It is this steady drip of craziness that starts to get to you. It beats you down after a while to where you are not able to stay calm and in control the way you should. You are pulled deeper and deeper into the scary, insecure world that he lives in.
Anyways, it is really hard.

Hate you too, Citicorp!

In continuing with the better financial togetherness goals, I finally got on the horn and called one of my credit card companies to get them to lower my rate like everybody suggests. Why, yes, it was a Citicard! How did you guess? After a couple of late payments, my interest rate had gone up to close to 30%! I know, it's absolutely ridiculous, and it took me way too long to call. They really try to convince you that you are horrible and deserve to be taken advantage of because you forgot their magic date a few times. I threatened to cancel my account and was immediately passed from the initial customer "service" rep who "unfortunately is unable to help me at this time" to an account "specialist" who apparently is able to do a little more. Ok, I'll quit with the quotation marks. Anyways, she was able to "convince" (haha I swear that's all) me to keep my account if she would lower my rate to APR + some number I already forget and also give me 9 months at a low low introductory rate of 2.8% or something along those lines. I agreed and should be able to save quite a bit just because of the insane gouging that was going on. I'm sure it helped that I have had that account for 14 years, I always carry a balance, and my credit score is quite good despite my horrible financial flaws. But another 5 minute clean up done. That should be my new goal. Do something everyday that takes 5 - 10 minutes or so and can make my life slightly better. Writing goals down helps a lot too. I always scoffed at that write it down business, but it does seem to work sometimes for me. Just seeing the words, and even more, the possibility that someone else might see them gets me to follow through.
Last night, D told me the longest, most coherent story he's ever even come close to. It was about his life so far, starting with a foster home where they beat him. (sad face emoticon doesn't cut it here) I don't remember what started it, but he was going on about being scared and going into the mom and dad's room and she was mad and if she chased him, he would run into his room and hold the door, and if she was too strong with him holding it with just one hand, he would use two hands. If she was too strong for two hands, he would use his hands and a foot. This continued until he would have to call on his foster brother who he shared the room with. And she would go get a belt. He is constantly blabbing on and on about "what if..." and I thought this was one of those, though a very interesting one. I asked him if someone hit him with a belt and he put his head under his pillow and pulled his sheet all the way up and told me that was what he did if he was gonna tell someone a gross story that he never said before. He said he was playing with a new toy, and his foster sister came up and grabbed it so they were both pulling it and his foster mom got mad at him. She told him to pull down his shorts and underwear so she could whip him with a belt. Then he moved to a few more houses and then moved to his foster mom who he called Grandma and then he met me and they were trying to decide who he would live with, black Grandma or white mom, and they picked the white mom and he got used to the white family and he was waiting for me to pick him up with all his clothes in a garbage bag... It got quite a bit more unintelligible as far as plot was concerned after that. He was getting too sleepy. I probably shouldn't be putting his business all out in public, but if I don't write it down, I will forget. Since this is where I'm doing the journal thing, it's here or nowhere. I need as many clues as he'll give me to put his history together, and he almost never talks about his foster homes. Poor baby.

The Continuing Improvement Project

Always always dreaming of being better. Better eater, better exerciser, better bill payer, better organizer and cleaner.
The first step of getting into a good declutter vibe will be online. I am going to go through my email and find any advertising from the various stores that I've bought things from. I will unsubscribe from each site's "newletter" or mailing lists that tempt and taunt me and my new spartan budget.
So goodbye, Threadless, and your $9 tshirt sales that I've resisted for weeks and your sad face shopping cart calling me stranger. Goodbye, Borders, and your constant coupon pushing. So long, Planet Dog, and your incredibly sturdy and long lasting dog toys and free gifts with purchase. Au revoir, Santa Rosa Gardens with your beautiful photos of plants on super sale. See ya, ebags, teasing with your highly affordable close-out deals. Later alligator to you, Duluth Trading. I still love your handy, tradesman tested tools and organizers. And also to the others that will pop up in the next few weeks, I will miss you all. It's for the best. I will still have links to you right here in case I truly need something. It's not you, it's me.

You Sank My Destroyer!

A few outbursts today and a surprise body check (like hockey, not CSI), but after a while, he came and talked to me while I washed the dishes. He wanted to know why he couldn't watch tv, and I told him how I think it makes him crabby and disrespectful and downright mean sometimes. It makes kids think they need lots of THINGS that they don't even really want. And how lately it has been his default activity. He tried to make some statement about "when he was 9". That led to a discussion about how people change and it's not usually over night. He let me blab on and on about everything and listened to me and asked questions! Later I let him know how proud I was of him for being so calm and listening even though he mostly didn't like or agree with what I was saying. That's something that a lot of grown-ups aren't able to do all the time.
Then we played a game of battleship before bed.
Work has been ok so far. Mostly I have been doing data entry kinds of stuff - learning the computer system and adding new books and new kids. A couple of classes of first graders came in for a story today. They are so funny and adorable. It was their first full day of school, so they really don't know anything about how to do school yet. Too cute. 3:30 does seem to come around pretty fast. I love it. Still plenty of time before dinner to accomplish a few things. I love it. I love it.

'Cause I Forget by the Time Therapy Rolls Around

Of course, since school starts tomorrow, we had to have a big blowout tonight to celebrate. Not the cake and balloons kind, the hit-your-mom-and-act-completely-out-of-your-gourd kind. We came in tonight around 8:00 to start winding down and getting ready for tomorrow. I was preparing for washing the dishes, and D started asking what can he do that is not boring. Being the horrible killer of all fun that I am, I decreed there would be no tv, movies, or video games before bed. This is his cue to do his broken record routine. Tonight it was "what can I do something fun?" This is not an exact quote, as I cannot remember what he was actually saying. He very often has bizarre sentence structure, and the tendency increases with his level of distress. After doing my best to ignore the performance, I began my own repeated reply of "go get ready for bed". Leads to the usual: I try to get away and remain as calm as possible as he follows and steadily increases his demand for attention. He ranted and wasted away the time that we would have spent reading, then it was agreed that I would come up for the bedtime hang out/cuddle. But he just had to throw one more pile of socks at my face. I told him to forget it. Nuclear explosion. He started smashing me and pushing on my arm after I went and layed down on the couch on the porch. I said something about he must be scared, maybe for tomorrow, and that's why he feels like he has to be some kind of badass trying to bully his mom to hide the fear. A little too close to the truth? He started smacking my head and face. Ripping blankets and pillows and cushions off the couch. I still was refusing to play the game and continued telling him to go to bed. He tried to get my head in the pillowcase he had in his hand, and when that failed he just kept hitting me with it. I started crying and told him I was sorry he was so hurt that he didn't know the proper way to express his emotions. I went up to his room and invited him into bed with me so I could cuddle him and when he snuggled up, I said it is not fair that he never had parents that he felt safe enough with that he could talk about his feelings instead of having to try to be tough and feel like he had to protect himself. His reply was laughter and "How romantic!" I think he meant "touching" but, again, doesn't have the vocab to know the right words. I just looked at him and he stopped laughing and put his head down and I stayed for a few minutes with my arm draped over his back. He came downstairs about an hour later and said his mouth was dry. I made him tell me how he could solve that problem, and then made him do it. I'm going to have to insist on having him owe me restitution somehow, so we are likely to have a repeat or two in the next few days. Yippee!

Labor Day Weekend

We went to the Jazz fest today with my sister and bro-in-law. It was pretty hot and the sun was unrelenting, but still it was a good time. First we saw a tribute to Alice Coltrane. Very modern, free jazz. The guys were not crazy about it, but I enjoyed it. D thought it sounded like they were "fooling around". Very very big names on the stage, and definitely worth the $0 entrance fee to see them.
We walked around a bit and then went and saw a quartet. We posted ourselves on a hill with our backs to the band (how rude!) and facing the river. It was lovely, and the music was much more formed and coherent. A nice end to the afternoon.
The kids start school on Tuesday. So far so good with the new job. The first day was meetings. The second and third days I got to check out my library and the people I'll be working with. The building staff all seem very nice, if somewhat technologically challenged. I have already helped several with computer issues, and I haven't touched a Mac since high school - a long time ago. The 3 traveling librarians are all going to be coming to my school at some point during the week. I'm still trying to get a feel for them. Two seem quite nice and one seems pretty rigid, but she's the one who was nodding and smiling and winking at me during my interview. She also said many times "she's good" about me to staff, so we'll have to see about her. She will only be there one afternoon a week anyway. Since my position is new, and things are all different from how they used to be, it seems as though we will be winging it for a little while. It is not exactly clear yet how I fit into the scheme of things, and I think it will be up to me to carve my own niche within the building and the media/library program. We already had a day off though! woohoo for the new schedule!