Kidding Myself

2011-05-28T13:18:00.004-04:00

Wow. I can't believe I haven't written anything since Feb. Roller derby is going well. There is still always something wrong with me, constant bad legs, and it's really hard. There were some issues in the league, so some of us broke off and started our own league now. Same venue and we took a lot of the skaters with us, so there's some bad blood. Other than that, I think things are going great so far. We have a couple of new skaters, are starting fundraising, have everybody on committees, working hard. It feels good.
D is really struggling with 7th grade. He is in a new school this year, since his old school closed. I don't know if it's because there's a new principal, or if it has to do with combining the two middle schools into one, but I have been really unhappy with this whole year. I don't feel like he's gotten the support he needs, academically. He's in band, and never got to play once in a public show during the whole year! There is no way for parents to go online and follow how their child is doing, which I think is pretty standard stuff nowadays. It is just an overall feeling of him not being important or maybe getting lost in the whole thing. Our district, like most others in the state, is in serious money trouble and is in a state of turmoil and change right now. I have to look out for my kid, though, and wish it would seem like there was some effort on the school's part. Only a couple of more weeks to go, though. Maybe if he felt like somebody there cared, he would try working a little bit, at least.
Since I work in the same district, and there is so much money wrangling going on, it was inevitable that I was going to be laid off. Iam not at all sure what I am going to do yet. I'm pretty worried about it.
Our neighbors are having a yard sale this weekend, and D and his friend bought a croquet set. I can hear the clunk of their mallets on the balls as I sit here typing. So cute - playing croquet and talking about the girls that were at the skating rink last night.

2011-02-03T16:17:00.002-05:00

Our first bout is on Saturday. I'm very nervous and excited. So many of us are completely new to the sport, and some of us have never even been to a live bout (me). It will be an experience for sure. I've been working at it, but it seems like every practice there is something holding me down. Leg cramps, forgot my skates and have to go get 'em, D being an out of control jerk. I'm starting to think it is my lazy nature shining through. Any excuse to slink away and get out of doing 1 more suicide drill. I have come light years further than where I was at the beginning. Still a long way to go, but better.

2011-01-01T14:04:00.004-05:00

In Sept, I joined a roller derby league. It is insanely hard for this obese, out-of-shape wreck of a woman. I'm still working at it, though. The problem, of course, is that I need to work more than just the 2 practices a week that we have as a team.
Despite the grueling task of lugging my ass around a rink, I LOVE it. Being with a group of cool woman, who all bring something unique to the team. They amaze me with their talents on and off wheels.
It is fairly hard to work everything out as far as balancing my fun with being a mom. I feel like I'm taking advantage of my parents if I leave him there too much. It feels really good, though, to have something of my very own to do/be a part of.

Speaking of babies...

2010-08-27T13:35:00.002-04:00

Last night, D and I were talking about how hard it would be to go on vacation with a baby, slowing you down, fussing and just being bad travelers in general. He decided he doesn't want a baby for that reason. This led to a discussion about how hard babies are to take care of in any situation, and how one should really want a baby before they are born. I asked him if he knew how to NOT have a baby. He just seemed confused. Thus the need for a Lesson:
#1 - by not having sex. "oh, yeah."
#2 - using a condom if you do have sex. "what's a condom?"
WHAAAT?!?!? It honestly hadn't really occurred to me that he wouldn't know what a condom was. At 12, I probably didn't. However, that was before AIDS was on the mainstream radar. I also went to a parochial school and was not very, um, worldly. But a boy currently in public junior high who doesn't know what that is? Crazy. I think the lesson for me is that, of course, it is very important for me to keep the lines of communication open regarding sexual issues. Also, that despite lots of scary media coverage about kids and sex, things really aren't that different than it was when I was a kid. He's still quite innocent and thinks about girls, but doesn't have much opportunity to shed that innocence. Thankfully!

Our Trip West

2010-08-26T23:25:00.002-04:00

Recently, I heard someone say that once you have kids, you don't go on vacation anymore. You take trips. More work and a lot less fun and/or relaxing. D is a surprisingly good travel companion as far as driving is concerned. Good thing, because for our trip last week, we drove to visit my sister who was staying in Oklahoma City, about a 16 hour drive.
We stopped in St. Louis the first night, and the plan was to explore the city the next day. We went to the very fun City Museum in the morning. After lunch, D refused to go to see the Arch. I think he was afraid that he would be forced to go to the top. I did want to do that, but I wouldn't have forced him. I don't know if I quite buy his "fear of heights". I don't really have any phobias, though, so I guess I'm not very sympathetic or good at understanding. So, we checked out the graffiti down the street and headed to our next hotel. He was a little obsessed with going swimming every day. Grandma let us use her atlas, so there was some map reading going on. He has very shaky understandings of geography and the differences between cities and states and how everything is organized. We had a pretty good time overall, and had a nice visit with the family. D LOVES being a big cousin. It makes him feel very important and he loves being adored by the baby. He played pretty much the whole time with his toddler cuz, and had a blast.
He has been taking a new medication, and it seems to be working great for the aggressive part of his ADHD. Don't really know about how it'll be with the concentrating and schoolwork stuff, though. Time will tell. But there were shockingly few tantrums or ODD behavior, even when he couldn't buy something he wanted (a big time trigger, usually).
Tomorrow, we go get his new schedule for school. I am nervous. He will be starting a new school this year. Our district combined two Jr. Highs, and his is the one that got closed. Now he will have to take a bus. I have hope that things will go well, but I won't be holding my breath. He is very unhappy about the change, and I'm hoping once things get going he will get over it. I wish we could have just a little bit more summer, but it will be good to have a schedule again. Neither of us is especially good with wide open days.

Updating

2010-02-07T16:33:00.005-05:00

So... Facebook. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Of course, the bad - I spend completely too much time doing absolutely nothing on Facebook. Wasting time like there is plenty of it when, in fact, there never seems to be enough. The good is that I can maintain some ties with acquaintances without putting in any actual effort. Just a Farmville gift now and then and a look at their photo albums is a-ok with someone who is not especially social most of the time.
The ugly. The fact that anybody who knows your name can "find" you, whether or not you were hiding. (I suppose if you were hiding, you wouldn't be on facebook, but, you know...) And maybe worse than that is that you can find those who you are probably better off not looking for. Last night I googled, or rather binged, D's birth father's name. Something I've done from time to time, just out of curiosity. Never got a hit that made sense, just athletes, people across the country, lists of random names, etc. Now that facebook is so ubiquitous, it makes sense that he'd eventually turn up. Clicked the name, and the instant the profile pic came up I could see it was him. He looks exactly like D. Weird sick feeling in my stomach.
When you do a straight adoption, it is easy to have this abstract idea of the "other" parents since you never had to have any interaction with them. It is no problem to tolerantly understand that they had issues, and even though they got a good start at destroying at least one life besides their own, they are not bad people. Because really, they aren't even people to you. They are societal problems, the roots of your child's attachment issues, the reason you will never enjoy a tantrum-free Mother's Day. But never flesh and blood. Just a big question mark.
Until you see them. You can see where your darling baby got their eyebrows or nose or chin. And then I checked out the friends list, and really wish I hadn't. This man is my age, mid 30s, and yet, almost all of his friends were girls. Not women, girls. Most between like 16 and 21 years old from all over the Metro area. Not even out of school. Ill. It is impossible not to imagine how many other children he has bouncing around the system. Or what he does for fun. Or how he can sit there so casually for all the world to see and not know where his sons are or whether they are alive or dead or living with some white lady.
What do I do with this now? Is there a compartment to hold the disgust for this "man" and not see him in his progeny? Would I ever let my kid meet him if he wanted to? Should I dig deeper or let it go completely? No longer abstract. The ugly. Looking right out of the screen.

Nicknames

2009-08-02T19:19:00.003-04:00

So many blogs have adorable names for the children appearing within. Are these names that they use in everyday life? Did they think and think about what the names would be? Trying them out in their minds before putting them in print? Is it really a big danger to use your children's actual names online? I have always used my son's first initial, but I think out of respect for his privacy. Is this what motivates others, too?
So, I'm considering what I could call D instead of D. I hate DS, DH, DD. Those gross me out for some reason. They seem so artificial or something.
I could call him Dreamer since he daydreams all day about being a rock star and having a mansion, riding around in limos and having bodyguards. On the other hand, it makes him sound like he arrived arrived from fairyland on the back of a pink unicorn.
He could be Money. Again because he dreams of having it, despite complete lack of the skills to manage it. That, though, conjures up thoughts of "ghetto" stereotypes.
He could be Chris, because when we first talked about him changing his name when he got adopted, he said he would like the name Chris Brown like the singer. We all know the direction Chris Brown has been taking lately.
What about Cupcake? He is very sweet and cute. He is not, thankfully, covered in frosting with sprinkles.
How about Prince? His therapist always tells him that if he wants to be treated like a prince, he better treat his mom like a queen. Prince reminds me either of some pampered pooch or the purple one. Neither appropriate choices for my son.
The most likely possibility is Sunny or Sonny. He is warm and brings so much brightness to my life. He has a million watt smile. He enjoys being a son and being referred to as someone's son. And that has always been his "dog name" when he acts like he is a dog (not really as frequent an occurance these days).
I'll just stick with D, I suppose. It would seem weird to change it now. However, I do enjoy seeing the names others come up with for the members of their families. I am assuming they are infinitely more creative than I am, and that is something I can admire without being a wannabe ;)

Summer School

2009-08-01T23:55:00.002-04:00

Well, I still have a job. In fact, I have been working for the summer programs. I am the helper right now for 6th grade math at the school D will attend this fall. And, interestingly enough, D is in my class. I had run the possibility by him and he said that would be fine with him. I didn't know how it would work, but so far, it's been really interesting. I have seen how he behaves during class, I see what he can answer and what he can't, and I'm trying to guess where his problems are. His brain is full of holes. It is swiss cheese when it comes to skills needed for school. He cannot listen for long. He may come up with a correct answer, but is unable to explain how he got it. At other times, he will just make a wild guess that makes no sense at all. He doesn't distract other kids, but appears not to be paying attention most of the time.
I am really enjoying being there, though. Before doing the middle school program, I worked for the 3rd and 4th grade program. I really do think that it is something I would like to do for a career. It is clear that I have a lot to learn once I get to school, though. The teacher that I am working with is really cool. Young, funny, smart, cute. Ok, I have a tiny crush on him. Besides that though, I feel like this is really good experience for me.
Other than that, we have been hanging out, playing video games, swimming in our super new pool, and going to museums with free passes from the library. Things are good.

I’d rather kill you than see you working a shit job for just enough money to buy cheese and watch television

2009-02-15T19:06:00.004-05:00

D has been doing great lately. Things were very busy for a while there. Now basketball is over, except for the end of season party. My sister had a baby - the first one born in our family. D turned 11 on Friday the 13th. Everything is pretty good for now. Well, except for not ever having two pennies to rub together. And the sad thing about that is it looks like I won't have a job next year because the school district is running a deficit and is going to be short even more money next year. I think my plan is going to be going back to school to get my Masters in Teaching and get special ed certification, which looks like the only way to get a job. I have been thinking about it for years, but didn't know how to swing the no income thing. I still don't, but maybe loans? Assistance? Part-time jobs? We'll figure it out somehow. One of my favorite movie scenes is in Fight Club (one of my fave movies) where Tyler forces Raymond K. Hessel to start realizing his dream of becoming a veterinarian by holding a gun to his head. I'm going to be Raymond and start on the road to where I want to be. Without the life being threatened part.

The Right to Privacy?

2008-12-06T23:00:00.009-05:00

I have had it. I don't know what's going on, but D has been a monster lately. Constant attitude, loud sighs, slamming doors, throwing things, "who cares", "i don't care", "so what". He's not even 11 yet, I'm not ready for the evil teenage stereotype. I wish I could make myself believe that it's his last big effort at distancing himself before he settles in and lets me be his mom. The therapist was talking about how he needs to be Respectful, Responsible, and Fun to Be Around. That's all I want. He doesn't even have to be fun to be around. I would accept just not being evil and hateful.
After another evening of hell, I got a nice punch in the arm and then he went and pissed all over the bathroom. So I refused to let him out until he cleaned it up. He tried to fight his way out. This gave me a chance to work on my old tai chi techniques. Meeting hard with soft, yang with yin, and it actually worked surprisingly well. He tried to pretend he was really sleepy and when that didn't work, he laid down on the rug and pretended he was just gonna sleep there. He tried a half-hearted swipe with a cleaning wipe. He tried to annoy his way out. Repeating and repeating the same thing over and over. He tried to shut the door on me claiming he had to use it. Would refusing to let him go to the bathroom by himself scar him even more?
Then he started running into me. I was pushing him off at first and then I started thinking about how he must really need some contact, so I started giving him a hug every time he bounced into me. After a couple of minutes, that did it. He cleaned everything I told him to, even under the back of the toilet where the seat is screwed on. Then he went to bed without demanding I accompany him. !!! It is exhausting, though, and leaves very little energy for the rest of my life. And then I try to not beat myself up over how filthy and unorganized the house is. I feel so incompetent so much of the time.
And, on top of everything, I am coaching a 2nd and 3rd grade boys basketball team at D's school, and he is supposedly my asst coach. I'm doing the best I can, most of the time.

To Hell with Heelys

2008-11-09T22:39:00.003-05:00

I'm an old woman now. I tried very hard for a long time to not get old as I inched farther and farther into adulthood. I don't want to give up my boy clothes and my video games and start clutching a purse close to my chest and wagging my finger at youngsters. I still ride my bike on the hilly, ditchy path at D's school with him. I really try not to freak out about laundry stains. When the street has dirt in it, I do not feel compelled to sweep it.
Today, during D's Special Time (which still seems pretty pointless), he wanted to go out and roll around in our Heelys. It's never been a problem for me before. They are fun, and as long as you are aware of how you put your foot down when walking, they aren't that hard to fool around in. Today, right after we got outside, WHAM! I fell backwards. My elbow is scraped up a little, but some good ol' H2O2 should take care of that. The real problem is I landed on my hip. Now I feel like I have some idea of why people often just keel over and die after breaking their hips. It is excruciating! And it is torture to move, sit, stand, bend, or lay. Lucky for me, I have a spry son who is willing to help his old lady out with some things around the house. HAHAHAHAHAHa yeah right!

The Therapy Angel

2008-11-02T01:03:00.006-04:00

I think we've finally made it through the upheaval and disruption of the (not so) new school year. Things have calmed down a bit. I have been trying to set aside "D's special time" every day for 15-30 minutes of whatever he wants to do together. Many times it has been watching tv while we eat dinner, but we also play with cars, tiny wrestling guys, his Tech Decks, or I watch him put on a show of singing and skateboard tricks. The idea is that giving a clingy, needy kid his own "very special time" together will put into his head that he is not being ignored and that he does get enough attention from mom. In practice, I'm not that convinced. He is still pretty much underfoot unless he is playing with his friends.
Since we were having so many problems for a while there, I began a real search for a new therapist. One that specialized in attachment and working with adopted kids. The one that I contacted first, of course, didn't have any room for new clients in the evening. Same with the woman that she recommended. But the third one ended up being able to see us in the evening. And hallelujah!
I went to the first session alone with her, and she sat and talked with me for an hour and a half. She did not rush me or look pointedly at the clock. She has adopted "older" children from foster care and KNOWS. She knew what I was going to say before I said it, but not in a way like I am so simple and she's so above all this. She just understood. She let me blab on and on about D, and seemed genuinely excited to help us. We completely agree that her job is not to 'fix' D, but to broach subjects and make suggestions that I can then follow up on. It is a lot different for a nice lady to tell you about how or when you should do things than to have that ogre mom tell you. I can't wait. She's already inspired me to make some changes. We started a new schedule today with 50 minutes of study time. Homework, reading, writing, it doesn't matter what he has brought home or forgotten. He will just have to fill that time, so it does no good to "forget" a book at school or to hurry through something all quick and sloppy and wrong. He seems absolutely fine with the idea. We even played Baseball Multiplication after the time was up.

The election at his school today ended up being a landslide for Obama with something like 162 - 37! So take that whoever stole my Obama/Biden bumper sticker!

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!

2008-09-24T22:52:00.003-04:00

It is so hard to be the parent of a mentally/emotionally damaged child. D's game lately is to command me to do something. Tonight it was find his clothes for picture day tomorrow. In fact, I already had and told him so. But it seems that the clothes were not what he needed, he just wanted me to follow his order. Unacceptable. Unfortunately, if I refuse, he starts a struggle that can go on for an hour or more. If he can't get me to obey through threats or begging or trying to stop whatever I'm doing, he will start pushing me which can eventually lead to hitting. Any parent who allows themselves to be pulled into a power struggle has already lost some power. So, there is my dilemma. If I let him order me around, I lose. If I refuse, I also lose.
And, he will argue with me over anything. Not just regular stuff like bedtime, or how much is too much candy. Tonight, we both were on his bed within clear sight of his clock. I said "It's past 9:30." "No, it's not." INSANE!!!! It is this steady drip of craziness that starts to get to you. It beats you down after a while to where you are not able to stay calm and in control the way you should. You are pulled deeper and deeper into the scary, insecure world that he lives in.
Anyways, it is really hard.

Hate you too, Citicorp!

2008-09-06T22:37:00.003-04:00

In continuing with the better financial togetherness goals, I finally got on the horn and called one of my credit card companies to get them to lower my rate like everybody suggests. Why, yes, it was a Citicard! How did you guess? After a couple of late payments, my interest rate had gone up to close to 30%! I know, it's absolutely ridiculous, and it took me way too long to call. They really try to convince you that you are horrible and deserve to be taken advantage of because you forgot their magic date a few times. I threatened to cancel my account and was immediately passed from the initial customer "service" rep who "unfortunately is unable to help me at this time" to an account "specialist" who apparently is able to do a little more. Ok, I'll quit with the quotation marks. Anyways, she was able to "convince" (haha I swear that's all) me to keep my account if she would lower my rate to APR + some number I already forget and also give me 9 months at a low low introductory rate of 2.8% or something along those lines. I agreed and should be able to save quite a bit just because of the insane gouging that was going on. I'm sure it helped that I have had that account for 14 years, I always carry a balance, and my credit score is quite good despite my horrible financial flaws. But another 5 minute clean up done. That should be my new goal. Do something everyday that takes 5 - 10 minutes or so and can make my life slightly better. Writing goals down helps a lot too. I always scoffed at that write it down business, but it does seem to work sometimes for me. Just seeing the words, and even more, the possibility that someone else might see them gets me to follow through.
Last night, D told me the longest, most coherent story he's ever even come close to. It was about his life so far, starting with a foster home where they beat him. (sad face emoticon doesn't cut it here) I don't remember what started it, but he was going on about being scared and going into the mom and dad's room and she was mad and if she chased him, he would run into his room and hold the door, and if she was too strong with him holding it with just one hand, he would use two hands. If she was too strong for two hands, he would use his hands and a foot. This continued until he would have to call on his foster brother who he shared the room with. And she would go get a belt. He is constantly blabbing on and on about "what if..." and I thought this was one of those, though a very interesting one. I asked him if someone hit him with a belt and he put his head under his pillow and pulled his sheet all the way up and told me that was what he did if he was gonna tell someone a gross story that he never said before. He said he was playing with a new toy, and his foster sister came up and grabbed it so they were both pulling it and his foster mom got mad at him. She told him to pull down his shorts and underwear so she could whip him with a belt. Then he moved to a few more houses and then moved to his foster mom who he called Grandma and then he met me and they were trying to decide who he would live with, black Grandma or white mom, and they picked the white mom and he got used to the white family and he was waiting for me to pick him up with all his clothes in a garbage bag... It got quite a bit more unintelligible as far as plot was concerned after that. He was getting too sleepy. I probably shouldn't be putting his business all out in public, but if I don't write it down, I will forget. Since this is where I'm doing the journal thing, it's here or nowhere. I need as many clues as he'll give me to put his history together, and he almost never talks about his foster homes. Poor baby.

The Continuing Improvement Project

2008-09-04T21:59:00.003-04:00

Always always dreaming of being better. Better eater, better exerciser, better bill payer, better organizer and cleaner.
The first step of getting into a good declutter vibe will be online. I am going to go through my email and find any advertising from the various stores that I've bought things from. I will unsubscribe from each site's "newletter" or mailing lists that tempt and taunt me and my new spartan budget.
So goodbye, Threadless, and your $9 tshirt sales that I've resisted for weeks and your sad face shopping cart calling me stranger. Goodbye, Borders, and your constant coupon pushing. So long, Planet Dog, and your incredibly sturdy and long lasting dog toys and free gifts with purchase. Au revoir, Santa Rosa Gardens with your beautiful photos of plants on super sale. See ya, ebags, teasing with your highly affordable close-out deals. Later alligator to you, Duluth Trading. I still love your handy, tradesman tested tools and organizers. And also to the others that will pop up in the next few weeks, I will miss you all. It's for the best. I will still have links to you right here in case I truly need something. It's not you, it's me.

You Sank My Destroyer!

2008-09-02T21:32:00.004-04:00

A few outbursts today and a surprise body check (like hockey, not CSI), but after a while, he came and talked to me while I washed the dishes. He wanted to know why he couldn't watch tv, and I told him how I think it makes him crabby and disrespectful and downright mean sometimes. It makes kids think they need lots of THINGS that they don't even really want. And how lately it has been his default activity. He tried to make some statement about "when he was 9". That led to a discussion about how people change and it's not usually over night. He let me blab on and on about everything and listened to me and asked questions! Later I let him know how proud I was of him for being so calm and listening even though he mostly didn't like or agree with what I was saying. That's something that a lot of grown-ups aren't able to do all the time.
Then we played a game of battleship before bed.
Work has been ok so far. Mostly I have been doing data entry kinds of stuff - learning the computer system and adding new books and new kids. A couple of classes of first graders came in for a story today. They are so funny and adorable. It was their first full day of school, so they really don't know anything about how to do school yet. Too cute. 3:30 does seem to come around pretty fast. I love it. Still plenty of time before dinner to accomplish a few things. I love it. I love it.

'Cause I Forget by the Time Therapy Rolls Around

2008-09-01T21:43:00.005-04:00

Of course, since school starts tomorrow, we had to have a big blowout tonight to celebrate. Not the cake and balloons kind, the hit-your-mom-and-act-completely-out-of-your-gourd kind. We came in tonight around 8:00 to start winding down and getting ready for tomorrow. I was preparing for washing the dishes, and D started asking what can he do that is not boring. Being the horrible killer of all fun that I am, I decreed there would be no tv, movies, or video games before bed. This is his cue to do his broken record routine. Tonight it was "what can I do something fun?" This is not an exact quote, as I cannot remember what he was actually saying. He very often has bizarre sentence structure, and the tendency increases with his level of distress. After doing my best to ignore the performance, I began my own repeated reply of "go get ready for bed". Leads to the usual: I try to get away and remain as calm as possible as he follows and steadily increases his demand for attention. He ranted and wasted away the time that we would have spent reading, then it was agreed that I would come up for the bedtime hang out/cuddle. But he just had to throw one more pile of socks at my face. I told him to forget it. Nuclear explosion. He started smashing me and pushing on my arm after I went and layed down on the couch on the porch. I said something about he must be scared, maybe for tomorrow, and that's why he feels like he has to be some kind of badass trying to bully his mom to hide the fear. A little too close to the truth? He started smacking my head and face. Ripping blankets and pillows and cushions off the couch. I still was refusing to play the game and continued telling him to go to bed. He tried to get my head in the pillowcase he had in his hand, and when that failed he just kept hitting me with it. I started crying and told him I was sorry he was so hurt that he didn't know the proper way to express his emotions. I went up to his room and invited him into bed with me so I could cuddle him and when he snuggled up, I said it is not fair that he never had parents that he felt safe enough with that he could talk about his feelings instead of having to try to be tough and feel like he had to protect himself. His reply was laughter and "How romantic!" I think he meant "touching" but, again, doesn't have the vocab to know the right words. I just looked at him and he stopped laughing and put his head down and I stayed for a few minutes with my arm draped over his back. He came downstairs about an hour later and said his mouth was dry. I made him tell me how he could solve that problem, and then made him do it. I'm going to have to insist on having him owe me restitution somehow, so we are likely to have a repeat or two in the next few days. Yippee!

Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-01T00:34:00.007-04:00

We went to the Jazz fest today with my sister and bro-in-law. It was pretty hot and the sun was unrelenting, but still it was a good time. First we saw a tribute to Alice Coltrane. Very modern, free jazz. The guys were not crazy about it, but I enjoyed it. D thought it sounded like they were "fooling around". Very very big names on the stage, and definitely worth the $0 entrance fee to see them.
We walked around a bit and then went and saw a quartet. We posted ourselves on a hill with our backs to the band (how rude!) and facing the river. It was lovely, and the music was much more formed and coherent. A nice end to the afternoon.
The kids start school on Tuesday. So far so good with the new job. The first day was meetings. The second and third days I got to check out my library and the people I'll be working with. The building staff all seem very nice, if somewhat technologically challenged. I have already helped several with computer issues, and I haven't touched a Mac since high school - a long time ago. The 3 traveling librarians are all going to be coming to my school at some point during the week. I'm still trying to get a feel for them. Two seem quite nice and one seems pretty rigid, but she's the one who was nodding and smiling and winking at me during my interview. She also said many times "she's good" about me to staff, so we'll have to see about her. She will only be there one afternoon a week anyway. Since my position is new, and things are all different from how they used to be, it seems as though we will be winging it for a little while. It is not exactly clear yet how I fit into the scheme of things, and I think it will be up to me to carve my own niche within the building and the media/library program. We already had a day off though! woohoo for the new schedule!

A change is comin'

2008-08-21T09:36:00.004-04:00

Well, I hate to be right about it, but D quit football. It was "too hard" and he didn't like having NO free time and rushing around, gulping down dinner in the car. I don't blame him at all, and am pretty glad myself that we don't have to go through all that. Practicing 2 hours 5 times a week is a lot, even for older kids. He would have to REALLY love football to do it, and D just wanted the outfit. So we are taking the fall off - no sports or classes or regularly scheduled events. The goal is to concentrate on school and get off to a good start. Hopefully.
The big news is that I will be starting my new job on Tuesday. I will be working as a media center paraprofessional in a local elementary school. The library helper. I can't wait. But I'm also pretty nervous. It's been 9 years since I started a new job, and this is quite different from fixing copiers (though machine maintenance will be one of my duties). I will have essentially the same schedule as D, except for professional development days. He is supposed to be a safety this year, so he will have to go to school a little early and stay a little late to be at his post. When he is done, he can walk home and I will be home most likely within a few minutes. I think the responsibility of having and using his own key will lessen the blow of no more latchkey. He loves going to latchkey, and I don't think it's sunk in yet that he won't need to go anymore. Overall, though, I think this will be a good change for both of us. Money will be tight, but time is more important to me now. It'll all work out.

RIP Bernie Mac

2008-08-10T10:12:00.001-04:00

Hi Ho Hi Ho

2008-07-23T22:03:00.002-04:00

D made his own lunch three times this week. I am slowly trying to get him to be responsible for himself in the mornings. As much as possible anyways. So, for a couple of weeks, he has been responsible for making sure he has his swimsuit and towel before we leave. Now I'm adding the lunch (with close supervision to make sure it is not all cookies and donuts and fruit snacks), and he has pretty much been getting his clothes for himself in the morning. I know that probably sounds absolutely ridiculous, but the laundry is rarely folded around here and usually ends up in a big pile in my room. To find matching socks and a pair of drawers can be a challenge even for me sometimes. But I'm trying to let go and let him figure it out by himself. There is no reason he can't help with laundry if it's too frustrating to find stuff. And I have been biting my tongue about the outfits he puts together. Lots of navy + black and various shades of oranges + reds. Sometimes I make suggestions, a couple of times I've made him change, but mostly he's in charge of how he looks.
Hopefully by the time school starts again, we will have everything under control. HAHAHA
I know that he needs to do things himself and have responsibilities. It just takes soooo loooong. It is seemingly impossible for him to talk and do anything else at the same time. Multitasker he is not!

What's Wrong With Kevin?

2008-07-20T23:01:00.005-04:00

The other day, D came out of summer latchkey with a nametag sticker that had a shortened version of his name with a J after it. I asked him who "D*** J." was, and he told me that Joe Jonas called him on his invisible cell phone and told him he could be one of the Jonas brothers. Silly.
Then, the next day, he told me that Lebaron was Joe Jonas, and Martel was Nick Jonas, and since nobody wanted to be Kevin (?), D was now Bonus Jonas. And he gets all the girls. I laughed for a long time and had to put him in a picture with them and add some funky fresh hair too.

Good Things About Summer

2008-07-10T22:54:00.007-04:00

Tonight was the last night of baseball. D's team lost 2 in a row against the Tigers and are out of the playoffs now. He had a pretty great game, though. Made a play as 1st baseman, hit a double, and the super duper dream come true - HE GOT TO PITCH. It was only for a few batters at the end of the last inning. They pretty much had already lost, and he threw almost all balls, but struck out his friend from school. He was sad they lost, but was a good sport and was fine after getting an ice cream with the team. I love his coach for letting him pitch. He has been practicing so hard, harder than I've ever seen him practice anything. So far, I think baseball has been the best sports experience. And I think D liked it too. haha
Today was also the first time I was able to eat something from the garden. Green beans! My absolute favorite, from when I was a tiny kid looking forward to Grandpa's beans, as opposed to the usual mushy gray canned beans. We have a lot of tomatoes, but they are all still green. The corn was definitely "knee high by the 4th of July". Zucchini flowers have started blooming the past few days. Our green pepper plant is way too crowded where it is, but there is a tiny pepper on it, and the peas are still hanging in there. We have snitched a few of those and eaten them straight off the vine. And the hazelnut trees/bushes that I planted a couple of years ago both have the beginnings of nuts all over them. Yay!

Pigskin, shmig-skin

2008-05-18T00:13:00.005-04:00

This morning we signed D up for football. Tackle football. He is incredibly excited and I have mixed emotions. I detest most of those football guys, but it may be a good experience for him. His coach seemed like a nice guy from the short time we talked to him.
I really did everything I could to steer D away from football and towards soccer. Unfortunately, his soccer team has been a bit of a dud. They lose all the time, don't work very well as a team, most of the kids are kinda lumps and generally don't work very hard when they bother to show up at all. Not much competition for the shiny allure of *FOOTBALL* - with all its macho gear and toughness. I don't know if D is up for all the work involved, though. He is the kid who always cuts corners when running laps. Maybe he will be motivated for this, though, since he has been asking to play since I got him.

Educational? Rap?!?

2008-05-07T22:23:00.003-04:00

One of the hard things about being D's mom is helping him with his schoolwork. I cannot quite put my finger on what his exact issues are, but he struggles. Another dilemma that I sometimes wrestle with is choice of music. As a fan of hip hop, I want to be able to share that with him, but as his mother, I want to shield him from a lot of the language, violence, sexism, etc. At least as long as I can.
Enter Mr. Duey. He is a middle school teacher who has created a really amazing album of educational rap. And it's good! I heard an interview with him on the radio today, and I ordered 2 CDs tonight. One for us, and maybe the other one for D's school. Not sure yet, but I was just so impressed that I needed to buy an extra copy. I can't wait 'til it gets here!

Whew!

2008-05-06T21:26:00.004-04:00

Mom's home finally. D and I got to see her on Sunday, and she looked pretty rough but I felt better after that. She came home Monday and a visiting nurse came today already to see her. I talked to her tonight and she sounded almost like herself. Not "droggy" as my dad kept saying all week. That's the new word to come out of all this. Presumably it's a melding of drugged and groggy, but I haven't called him on his creative use of the language yet.

Another big sigh of relief for our incredible luck in getting the baseball coach of D's team. He is a great guy. And all the helper dads are too. They are so relaxed and encouraging and still teach the kids SO much. They had their first game last night and stomped the other team. D really had fun for the couple of innings that he was able to play. We had to leave in the middle to go to an appointment. Being the fashion plate that he is, though, he was very happy to wear his uniform to see the Dr. and his therapist and had his little chest all puffed out like a rooster. He is really cute in it, for sure, but I suppose I'm biased.

2008-05-03T22:09:00.001-04:00

Mom is still in the hospital after a whole week. She does not want visitors or to talk or watch tv or read.

Infections

2008-04-28T22:50:00.003-04:00

The grossest thing happened when we were at the grocery store yesterday. It looked like there was something on D's earring, so I touched it to see if it would come off, and pus exploded out from behind it. Ew ew ew ew ew!!!! Yes it hurt and he doesn't know why he didn't tell me. So emergency ear first aid was needed and then I wanted to put his earring back in to keep the hole from closing. He was having none of it!! He wouldn't let me get my hand anywhere near his ear. And since he has never put his earrings in by himself before, he was having a horrible time. I guess we should have practiced the other day when he had to take them out for soccer. We eventually got everything cleaned and disinfected and back where it belonged, but man, was it an ordeal. I also learned that D does not know that word "pus". He kept asking me if it was still putting. Like a tiny Tiger Woods was playing through his ear. It looks much better today, and he claims it feels better too. I've also made him promise to tell me any time something on his body hurts so much that he can't touch it. Then he asked should he tell me about headaches, which I hear about all the time. And what if his foot itches? And what is the bottom of your foot called? Like soul like what goes to heaven? What is a soul? What happens to your body when you die? But which is really you? And there is a gate in heaven and once you go through, you can drive go-karts...GO TO SLEEP LITTLE BOY!!

In other news, my mom has gone to the hospital. Puking and pains = gallstones. She is having lots of imaging things done, and will be having her gall bladder out asap. It is bringing up a lot of stuff for me and is absolutely terrifying because my Grandma went to the hospital for stomach aches when I was the same age as D. Something went wrong and she never came home. I cannot imagine that. In fact I can't even write about it anymore.

Suspension #2

2008-04-18T22:00:00.004-04:00

Yes. Sexual Harassment. D wrote a note that said he wanted to have sex with a girl in his class. The circumstances surrounding this incident are pretty sketchy. Lots of "SoAndSo said this and Soandso told me to write that and then I was crying and somebody told Mrs. Teacher." He did write this note though, and after several phone calls it was decided that I would handle it at home. Then another phone call to say oops we have to suspend him.
We spent the day today working on his schoolwork. At lunchtime, we had a talk about what sexual harassment is and what is the difference between harassment and flirting and how you have to be careful you don't cross the line. Etc etc...
So, now I've been thinking about how I would like him to, of course, respect everybody, but especially girls. Then my feminism screams at me about girls aren't so weak that they deserve extra gentle care. Something along those lines. My feminism sometimes screams unintelligibly. Should I go overboard about being a gentleman to the ladies to counteract all the other influences on him? Or does that lead to less respect and more feeling like men are superior to women? Why do I want him to "especially" respect girls? I think for the most part he has a good feel for boys and girls are different but still equal.
I guess in order to teach your kid morals, you better know what your own are first. Bleh Anyways, hopefully from now on he will at least have a little nagging thought about what's appropriate when the other kids start in on the sex talk.

Baby Boy

2008-04-13T23:34:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Things have been up and down lately. When things are really bad, I do not usually have the energy or will to write about them, and when things are going fine, I don't think about documenting the day. I was sick for a few days, and that was really hard because D can not handle not being the center of attention. My punishment for being pukey was a punch in the stomach, and for not having the patience to cater to the prince I was threatened with a baseball bat. Things like that just reinforce to me how much his behavior is a result of my own. Not that I make him hit me like some abused woman's excuse for her attacker, but that without me making accommodations for the skills that he hasn't yet developed, he falls back on older survival behaviors that appear completely irrational or maladaptive to those of us with relatively stable beginnings. I act to some extent as the brake on his out of control emotional train. Like the parent of a toddler acting as the child's control before they begin to develop self-control. You wouldn't expect a 2 yr old to be able to manage their emotions and actions in the same way as a 12 yr old, it is just that D is much older physically than emotionally. A lot of my thinking in this direction is influenced by the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green.
There are attachment therapies that rely heavily on some form of regression to much earlier times in a child's life. Like giving them the nurturing and parenting that they did not get the first time around. To that end, we have gotten a very bottle-like sippy cup, a baby blanket, baby lotion, and pacifiers for our very unofficial attachment activities at home. We have played baby D a couple of times, and I have given him his "bottle" once. Not sure if it has accomplished anything, but it is definitely fun for him. He LOVES to play doggy or baby and baby games like peek-a-boo etc. So he can be my baby sometimes as needed.
It is very late and I need to get some sleep to face the week ahead.

10 Yrs Old

2008-02-13T21:53:00.003-05:00

"Diamond" earrings + Pancake Puffs (as seen on TV) = Happy Boy

Warm Heart

2008-01-15T22:31:00.001-05:00

Tonight we were brushing our teeth, and I asked D wasn't he cold because he was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt. He said no, well yeah, but not once he gets in his warm cozy bed. Then he put his arms out for a hug. When I hugged him, he said, "Thanks for adopting me. I really needed a home."

My Goddess Chorus

2007-12-28T21:34:00.001-05:00

I have been having a big problem with stairs lately. I am not drunk. I am not tripping over carelessly placed shoes/toys/skates. My shoelaces are not untied.
I broke my pinkie finger on Thanksgiving falling UP the stairs. Letting the dogs in, wearing slippers, in a hurry to get everything done = ouch. I did not go to the dr because I don't believe they do anything for broken pinkie fingers besides tape them up. I did that myself, and it is still kinda jacked. Perhaps next time I break a finger I will go get it checked out.
But in the meantime, WTF is going on? I seriously fall down the stairs at least once every week or so. Many times it is because I am wearing socks and my feet just slip down some stairs like skiing. But much less graceful and very bumpy and there is no swooshy snow to help me along. This often turns into a tumble with 30 limbs all akimbo and ending up underneath the crushing weight of my big fat ass. I guess I need to slow down.

Last night I had a dream that I was somehow part of a really cool band - like the new member. It maybe was some kind of alt folk, but was made up of really awesome rockin' women, and their beautiful songs were loved by boys and girls, young and old. I was seriously starstruck and in awe, but they were sooo cool that I was also perfectly comfortable around them. We were having a concert in a gymnasium and we were on the bleachers and the audience was in folding chairs lined up on the floor. It was very casual. It turned out I was the new singer (!?!) and it was my first time playing with them. So I was holding the mic and these chicks were all surrounding me and being very supportive and sweet. And I started singing, but I couldn't remember the words, but it was ok - they just helped me along and I knew I would eventually remember and everything would be fine because it was totally low stress and lovely. I wish I could have kept sleeping.

Boo

2007-12-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

I almost never watch tv. Not because I have anything against it really, I would just rather spend my free time (HAHHAHAHAHA) on my computer. The tv has been off for a while because D finds it nearly impossible to ever turn it off when I tell him to. This difficulty has a couple of times lead to me turning the power off on the first floor. Talk about tantrum! Thankfully, without lights, he is a little bit less likely to connect. So, a little side story before I even start in on what I meant to write about. The other day, he asked me if I was upset with him for some reason. I said no and then I asked him what he thought would be the worst thing that would happen if I had been upset with him. He thought for a second and said he could lose tv. I told him that for the worst thing, that wasn't that bad. "To me it is! And don't tell me that tv is drugs for kids!" Ha! I guess he does listen to me once in a while. He cracks me up.
Anyways I had it on tonight, and I caught a new show on A&E called Paranormal State. A group of attractive psychic college students go around investigating hauntings and such. Surprisingly, it totally captivated me. They go to regular people's houses and these people are convinced they are being haunted. It is very spooky. Any kind of "real" ghost story totally creeps me out. The night vision, glowing eye video doesn't hurt either. The show is also very ridiculous and contrived and full of really bad dialogue. But the tiniest teeniest speck of a chance that stuff like this could and does happen is so intriguing to me. Gullible? or open-minded? I am enough of a skeptic to realize that the show is totally laughable, but still....

O Tannenbaum

2007-12-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

The deal was we don't get to decorate for Christmas until the house is cleaned. It is now Dec. 15 and no progress has been made. Well, the dishes got done and the hallway was vacuumed, but to me that is not progress. It is not just D either, I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper, a trait multiplied many times over with a boy in the house now. Here is my drastic plan to hopefully be able to get a tree. We are going to take a few bags or boxes and fill them with all the crap cluttering up the whole house. Any cherished toy/paper/article of clothing must be put away immediately to escape the bag. We will write a "To Be Destroyed" date on the container, maybe a year and a half from now, and anything that hasn't been removed will get chucked. Papers will be shredded somehow. This gives me the shivering shakes to think about throwing out a bunch of "good" stuff for many reasons. I am learning that I am a saver. Not a hoarder by a long shot, but I can understand the compulsion.
It is also a bit offensive to my casual environmentalist side to add lots of things to landfills unnecessarily. I have to face the fact that we will probably not be having the fantasy garage sale, though. So that's the plan for today.

Super Quick Halloween Grub

2007-10-21T06:05:00.000-04:00

D and I were invited to a Halloween party on a recent Friday evening, starting at 6:30. Since I am supposed to work 'til 5:00, this was cutting it kinda close. We were also supposed to bring a "Halloween themed appetizer". Ummm....yeah. I went to the grocery store and wandered around for a while until I found this horrible/incredible product. For those times when you need a cheesecake but don't have the time to whip one up, just spread some of this stuff in a crust! It tastes pretty good too.
Went to the dollar store and bought 2 halloween plates and 2 color coordinated ice cream bowls with that scary liquid inside for freezing to keep the bowl's contents cold.
When I got home I opened a can of pumpkin we had in the cupboard and dumped about half of it into the cheesecake filling. Just enough so that you could taste it, but not so much that other ingredients needed to be involved. This helped cut the sweetness down a tiny bit and turned the whole thing a very lovely shade of light orange. Plopped that into the bowls and filled the plates up with graham cracker snacks shaped like bones (Scooby Snacks) and bugs. TaDa!!! It was embarrassingly easy, and yet was the hit of the party with everybody asking me what the recipe for the dip was.
It's a good thing.

Goalkeeper

2007-10-06T00:49:00.001-04:00

Things have been a little rough lately, so I thought I'd post some happy soccer pictures.

goodbye summer

2007-09-22T19:05:00.001-04:00

D's Nuts

2007-09-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

I had to go buy D a cup the other day after his soccer coach strongly recommended he wear one for his first game. Not really a big deal, I don't have a problem with stuff like that. In case you ever need a tutorial, though, a good place to get some info is here. D, however, didn't really know much about the subject either, and wondered what this piece of plastic was all about. He guessed that it was in case you got "hit in the nuts". And I automatically said, "testicles".
I have spent so much time reading stuff about what if your adoptive/foster child has been sexually abused or abusive, and they all say that proper terminology is the most healthy way to refer to ones naughty bits. In fact it's essential to use the correct names comfortably. Even most normal kid advice about how to be comfortable and open about sex within the family says the same thing. I say bullocks!
It feels very unnatural and incredibly self-conscious to speak of testicles outside of health class. Whenever the twins come up in conversations with others, they are referred to as nuts, balls, jewels, etc. While this is not a constant topic of discussion in our house, it has come up, and surely will again. To use the proper names feels very stuffy and uncomfortable with the parts being named and everything having to do with them. Exactly the opposite of the intended effect. I want my son to be able to talk to me about all sorts of things including sex and his body. To force a specific vocabulary seems like a good way to cut off natural conversation. Perhaps it would be different if I had him from infancy and taught him proper names from the beginning, but to go back seems unnecessary and foolish. Of course, emotional & value-laden terms are not appropriate as are many slang terms unrelated to the body.
As far as penis goes, I can't think of an alternative that is not a "dirty word." And thankfully, so far I do not have a girl to ponder the possibilities of vagina verbiage.

Eat Them Up Yum

2007-08-15T22:10:00.001-04:00

D caught a fish today. He went to the Ole Fishing Hole with summer latchkey. I was not expecting anything to come back with him. I thought they'd release anything they caught. Surprise! And he wanted to eat it. He was acting all brave about preparing it until the time came to actually do it.
So this is why I became a vegetarian 10 yrs ago. I could not bear to touch raw, unprocessed meat, so I figured I might as well not eat it either. And though I have eaten the odd hamburger or hot dog in the past couple of years, I was not looking to take knife to flesh. But at least they gutted it before sending it home.
After making a few phone calls looking for advice, I just went ahead and did it. It turned out pretty good, I think. I hate fish, so didn't taste it, but it looked ok. He ended up taking a few bites, and gave it a thumbs up. Then the dogs ate a few bites.
BEING A MOM CAN BE SOOOO GROSS!!!

I Feel Pretty! Oh So Pretty!

2007-08-13T23:54:00.000-04:00

2007-08-12T20:44:00.000-04:00

Thursday we had a celebration for the end of D's in-home therapy. We went bowling with his therapist and case manager and had a lot of fun. And as much as everyone's so proud of how he's done, it is still one more loss for him. He and his cutie little therapist boy wrote letters to each other about what they've learned, fun times they had, what they hope for his future. The letter D got was wonderful and I told him he needs to keep it and read it sometimes when he's feeling down. Two more people that he learned to trust are gone. That's why I wasn't really sure that I would start him with a new therapist now that this is over. He said that he wants to, though. Why? To talk. I can't imagine him talking about anything much, just chattering. So far, I have not gotten the feeling that any of these people know any more than I do. And man, it's a pain to always have appointments. We'll give it a try and see how it goes.
Today, he went for a surprise visit with my sister and her boyfriend. He's going to stay for a couple of nights and I'll go pick him up (about 2 1/2 hours away) after court on Tuesday. He's been kinda crabby the past few days, I think mostly because of therapy ending. Hopefully he won't be to hard to get along with while he's there.
At the church we go to, the kids leave during the service and have a mini sunday school during the sermon. In the summer, different people take turns going out and hanging with them. Today a woman and her teenage daughter were taking care of them I think for the first time. When another mom asked how the kids were for them, they said some of them were good while giving the eye to D and his partner in crime. D giggled a little and whispered to me that he locked them out of the room!!!! Not funny. Ok, kinda funny, but still bad little boy thing to do.

First Thing This Morning...

2007-08-12T01:26:00.000-04:00

D (sleepily coming down the stairs): Can we go to the dentist today? What day is it?
Mom: Saturday. Why do you want to go to the dentist?
D: To get my braces.

Thank you Dr. R for telling my kid that he is going to have braces. And on the same day I spent $200+ on fillings.

Durable Goods

2007-08-11T00:24:00.000-04:00

My kitchen has a very bad odor. I've cleaned and cleaned. Thrown away produce, mopped the floor, done the dishes and cleaned the drains, even scrubbed the door frame. It is coming from the refrigerator. Mind you, this has not been an easy conclusion to come to. The smell is bad. Bad especially in light of the extreme August heat and humidity. Bad enough that even though I was determined to find the culprit, I did not want to sniff it directly. So find the bad smell, but try not to smell it. Right. Initial whiffs of the inside of the fridge revealed nothing unusual. It's coming from behind the grate on the bottom. Common sense would tell you to get in there and clean and/or fix the problem. Instead, my craving to buy a major appliance was triggered. Yes, I harbor fantasies of picking out my very own washing machine, stove, or refrigerator. Not one that came with the house or was a donation from the cousin of this guy my uncle works with. Is it because I'm so hopelessly broke right now that only a huge, major purchase could make me feel better? Don't know, but I spent the day wiping my drool off of beautiful, stainless steel, french door, freezer on the bottom iceboxes with humidity controlled crispers, doors that can hold gallon jugs, and a choice of crushed or cubed ice in your filtered water which is dispensed perfectly from the outside. I went home to vacuum off the condenser coils and clean the drain pan of my ancient avocado abomination and pout about its lack of digital temp control.

The Shortest Year

2007-08-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

It has been exactly one year since we became a full-time family. The other day as we got ready in the morning, D said something about how he loves being in a family with two dogs and a beautiful mom!!!! Things are so different from the day he moved in. I am not constantly waiting for an outburst, attack, tantrum, or destructive rage. There are definitely still very rough moments, but they are moments and not a constant. About a week ago, we had a super milestone in anger management terms. I wanted D to take a shower before bed. He was busy watching cartoons. This could easily have been the start of an evening long battle had it happened a few months ago. And though he did come up to me aggressively, he was able to stop when I told him to slow down and think about what was happening. He went over to the dog and lay down next to him on the floor and hugged him for a while instead of hitting him in frustration. This helped him calm down and get it together a bit. I told him if he starts a fight every time he watches tv, something I've been noticing, we will have to rethink the whole tv privilege. He said he wasn't starting a fight, he was just ANGRY AT ME!!!!!! He used words!! To express his anger!!! And then did what I asked him to do!!!!!!! We are both proud of the self-control he showed. Here's hoping it will happen more and more frequently...

I'm still getting used to being a mom and everything that goes with it. I would never consider going back, though.

A Series of Events to Remember for Court

2007-07-27T22:29:00.000-04:00

Fri, 7-20 : Cute little Black Dog shows up in the neighborhood, slips under a fence, and plays with dogs in yard behind us.
Sun, 7-22 : Dog hanging around still, comes to play with dogs behind us, then notices our dogs and sniffs around them for a while. That night, outside, I notice Black Dog running around with another skinny, young dog. This one has a tag. I am a sucker, and hope that if one of my dogs ever gets away that someone will help them out. So I coax them into my yard, read the tag (city license, no name or #) and let that dog in the house because he is wriggling his way through the door anyways. Will call city clerk in AM, take dog to his owner, the end. Black Dog sits outside the door whining, crying, and barking now that he's left alone. Reluctantly let him in, too. They shouldn't be wandering around on garbage night anyways, being traffic hazards and strewing trash all over the place. Sucker.
Mon, 7-23 : Get owner's name and number and begin calling before work. Their ans. machine says memory full and cell phone goes straight to voicemail. Shut the dogs in backyard and go do my day. Periodically call Cujo's owner with the same results every time. When we get home, gate's open and dogs are gone. Oh well. They show up again after dark. Cry, whine, bark in backyard and drive my dogs insane. Another night w/no sleep.
Tues, 7-24 : Begin calling again before work. Reach owner on cell. Tells me his son is probably at home and take the dog over there. "Just open the front door and let him in." (!) It WAS the scary house I was hoping it wasn't. Building permit in window and construction materials and laundry all over living room and, oh yeah, guns and knives artfully displayed on the wall. Cujo appeared to be at home.
Black Dog shows up that evening, and surprise! Cujo's back.
Thurs, 7-26 : Take D to summer latchkey, and return home. Black Dog and Cujo running around. Stop car at corner and call them to me. Go home to get Animal Control's number. Call to say they are right here. Come get them. Eventually had to give up waiting and return to work. Get home that night and Black Dog greets us. Neighbor says dog catcher couldn't catch him. Cujo makes another nighttime appearance.
Fri, 7-27 : D spent night at Grandma's, so when I saw Cujo's owner's truck creeping around, I thought, "cool, now it's just the little guy." He kept creeping, though and stopped in front of my house for a couple of minutes. When he left, I looked out and Black Dog was huddled, shivering on the top step in the corner of my front door. Opened it to let him in, and M dashes out to freedom. Follow him around neighborhood, trying to get him back and Animal Control pulls up. She chases him home, gets Black Dog from me, and GIVES ME A TICKET for having an animal at large since she saw M out only a month or so ago. Make sure I show up on court day or they WILL issue a bench warrant. Ummm...WHAAAAA???? Ok, right, just explain? If there were a reasonable judge in our district, maybe, but it has just been recommended by the Judicial Tenure Committee to censure this judge due in part to ridiculous sentencing rulings. "The JTC finds bond and sentencing practices ... constitute judicial misconduct in office and conduct clearly prejudicial to the administration of justice," so hopefully she will not be having a bad day.

All Quiet on the Home Front

2007-07-16T17:55:00.000-04:00

D's at camp this week until Friday. I took Tues and Wed off from work. Tuesday night I am going to see Wicked with my mom and her friend. Wednesday the gas company is moving the meter from the basement outside. And all around those two events, I am supposed to finish about 3000 projects or chores around here. So far I have matched a laundry basket of socks. Woohooo! What a start!
It felt a little weird dropping him off yesterday. Neither of us was really sure what to do after we checked him in. I didn't know if I should hang out 'til he got settled in and found a pal or something. I gave him a hug and left him just kinda wandering around the check-in area. I'm a little nervous about him wetting the bed. He had been doing really great for a long time, at least a month or two. Then last week it was like every night at least one accident. He got a bottom bunk right across from the bathroom, and I gave his CIT a heads-up about making sure he went before bed. I honestly think I'm more concerned about it than he is. I think he has the idea that nobody can tell that he has a cloud of pee vapors surrounding him. I don't want him to be really self-conscious if he can't help it, but if it's just a matter of him being too lazy or busy to go use it... I don't know. We have had so many way more important things to work on before this even made it onto the list. It could be a big problem at sleep away camp, though.
Of course I miss him, but it is giving me a little bit of a chance to breathe. With two therapy sessions a week, a psych med review once a month, the dentist, etc. I have the constant feeling that I'm forgetting something. This week, I'm not! It makes me second guess my hope to adopt another kid. Well, that and the fact that I would have to finish all the stalled home improvement projects before I even started the process.
I should go to bed now to get a good start on the cleaning tomorrow morning.

2007-07-04T01:59:00.000-04:00

oh why is it 2:00 and i am still up? my stomach is grossed out so bad that i did the naughty bulimia boogie. i think i ate something HORRIBLE. hopefully it is gone now. i also watched a non-kid movie for the first time in forever. Tarnation. why i insist on watching disturbed and/or disturbing movies i have no idea. i cannot get it out of my head, though. and the mt. dew i drank after d went to bed probably didn't help any of this. who would have guessed that a wild night in 2007 would be a pop, a dvd, and a puke?
karate was very short-lived. neither of us is very motivated to go to bootcamp after our long days. hopefully, we can do other healthy fun things. but screw that! right now we are on a kick of playing midnight club 3 all the time. d likes to drive around the cities in his cop car pretending to pull people over and stuff, and i race race race. we are very low-quality right now. i have very recently fed my child dinner from 7-11. terrible. i have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately. a million deadlines, appointments, field trip permission slips, bills, and on and on in a never-ending avalanche of paper and calendars and bouncing checks. it seems like it would be such a simple thing to get organized...

Karate for Peace

2007-06-15T22:47:00.000-04:00

D and I have started this peaceful karate training that is supposed to help him with self-control, discipline, etc. I have to join in the program. It is really strange since it's not really a class, just show up when you want and work out. We are doing conditioning right now. Here is what we are supposed to do:

*laps around the studio to warm up - walking, walking backwards, skipping, skipping backwards, one foot over the other, sideways gallop, walk around rolling head and arms, running
*10 push-ups, 10 crunches to both knees, 10 squat/stand/kicks
*run to other side of studio
*9 push-ups, 9 crunches to both knees, 9 squat/stand/kicks
*run to other side of studio
*8 push-ups, etc. all the way down to 1 of everything
*5 minutes of jumping rope moving forward, backward, sideways, and in circles
*25 right, front start kicks (I have no idea what they are actually called)
*25 left, front start kicks
*25 right, rear start kicks
*25 left, rear start kicks
*25 right roundhouse kicks
*25 left roundhouse kicks
*25 right kicks using whole foot or the ball of the foot
*25 left kicks using whole foot or the ball of the foot
*10 quick punches
*10 powerful punches
*10 elbow blows
*5 "diamond" push-ups, with thumbs and first fingers making diamond shape under chest
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands directly below shoulders
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands out to the side as far as possible
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands directly below shoulders
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 "diamond" push-ups
*run and walk a couple more laps to cool down
*then we may work on "mental martial arts" learning about "the four agreements"

Ok, just looking at that list makes me exhausted. D LOVES it! I told him that I would work hard at karate like I expect him to work hard on therapy and becoming a healthy family. I have taken lots of breaks and skipped over things here and there. But today I did the whole countdown bit. 55 push-ups (though fairly weak and girly), 110 crunches, and 55 squat/kicks!!!
Supposedly, this has helped turn many bad boys and girls onto a path of positive changes in behavior. We'll see how it goes.

Honeymoon's Over

2007-06-06T21:43:00.001-04:00

Finally Finalized

2007-06-05T22:25:00.000-04:00

Why are moms mean to their kids?

2007-05-20T14:54:00.000-04:00

D-
Moms are mean, because they love their children. Kids are still learning how to make good decisions and follow rules. A parent's job is to guide their son or daughter towards the best choices that ensure their safety, health, and success. I will be the first to admit that you did not have a very good start to your life. Lots of your "parents" did not care enough to make sure that you were taught right from wrong. That is not to say that they did not care about you, but for whatever reason, they were not able or willing to devote the time or energy needed to be the bad guy when you chose the wrong path. That does not mean that you have an excuse to do things that you know are wrong.
I'm sure that I seem meaner than a lot of your friends' moms. That is because those kids were lucky enough to learn what was expected of them when they were little. The rules were not changed on them all the time the way they were for you every time you moved. So while you are still learning how to follow rules and be responsible, I have to be as mean as it takes to help you learn those lessons. We have a lot of hard work to do to get you caught up to most other 9 yr olds. Believe me when I tell you that you have come a long way since I met you. I promise to try not to put you in situations that you are not ready to handle. And when that happens and you make mistakes or have problems, no matter how angry I am, I will always be there tomorrow. With even more love for you than I had yesterday.
Plus, it's fun to be mean to kids!! (hahahaha just kidding)
Love, Your Mom

Mysterious fees, rate increases, poor customer svc.

2007-03-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

JP Morgan Chase Manhattan whatever it's called is the devil!!

Well rounded

2007-03-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

Basketball is over for this year. It was a lot of fun. D's team was 2nd and 3rd graders, and they played against the other elementary schools in the district. They definitely looked a lot different at the end of the season than when they started. For the most part, they stopped being afraid of touching the ball and each other, and started competing (sometimes with their teammates - everybody wants to be a hero). I'm looking forward to many more years of cheering for my little jock.

A couple of weeks ago, D took a magic class at the community center. Now he's signed up for 3 more classes at a different city's parks and rec dept. He loves it, but has not shown me very much of what he's learned. I want to encourage ANY interest he shows in any subject. Even if it means he's hanging out with magicians! I think he spent too much of his life so far in front of the tv or video games and was lacking a certain spark of curiosity and imagination when I first met him. I have seen glimmers of it more and more lately. He wants to take so many classes or play different sports, just like his mom :) On the way home the other night, he asked me, "Do you have a shoebox?" Yes. "If I make a rabbit appear from a shoebox, can I keep it?"

Good Hair-itage

2007-01-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

The Hair. The general message communicated to white parents of black children is that hair can be a very big issue. If not taken care of, it becomes a visual symbol of all the reasons why transracial adoption may not be a good idea. How one cares for the hair is representative of how one cares for the child it is attached to.
We have not been doing a good job with D's hair so far. At first, a haircut was just not at the top of the list during the first few weeks. Then, as it grew, D decided that he wanted to keep growing it, with the eventual goal of braiding it. I am not the least bit interested in dictating how my kid's hair should be styled, so go for it. HOWEVER, neither one of us took the initiative in keeping it nice and neat. So, yes, he was a tiny bit nappy at times. But in a way that was cute to my ignorant green eyes. My beautiful, natural boy - happy to be nappy and all that. Then we started getting comments about combing his hair, and it's looking a little dry, and maybe you can get some advice at the beauty supply store, etc. Still, with all the other issues, not something I was very worried about getting into a big fuss about. I reminded him to comb it every morning, and kind of left it up to him for the most part. I tried my hand at combing it out a few times, but of course, he winced and whined like he was way too tender-headed for my rough fumbling.
Today we went to the barber. Yes, The Barbershop. Shave and a haircut, men hanging out, BET on the television, little boy sweeping up.... Should I have been uncomfortable? I wasn't particularly. (Is that a symptom of white privilege? Feeling like you are allowed to be wherever you want to be? This is the type of thing I think about all the time now.) Anyways, D got his baby 'fro cleaned up, and looked like his face was about to crack he was smiling so big. He looked at himself all night in the mirror, and said things like "I'm never gonna lay down again!" The barber told us to buy a pick and told me to get on him about keeping it up. Hopefully, we have turned over a new leaf in the hair care department, and proof of my love for him radiates out of his beautiful black curly head.

...I'm common, I'm Cuban, I'm blitzin'!!!

2006-12-25T22:41:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! Things went surprisingly well the past couple of days. Even though Santa didn't bring everything he asked for, D was really happy. One sobbing, emotionally overwhelmed breakdown during Christmas Eve dinner, but other than that just a few bumps in the road. We both got Heelys from the jolly old elf, and spent much of the day practicing with them. Now he is on the other side of the state with Aunt A and her man. Yay!!! I am on my own for a few relaxing evenings while he visits them. The TV is on, I'm messing around with the computer, and tomorrow is video game night for me. I may even have an adult beverage!

Merry X

2006-12-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I started a hardcore responsibilities = privileges system. Right now we are in the first stage with no tv, games, special "D time", nothing but reading or amusing yourself in some unplugged way. It's the third day, and the first two he was not successful in working towards more privileges. Today was good. Woke up on time (Christmas party & last day of school were motivating), no major opposition to anything, helped cook dinner, had good visit with caseworker, and bed without a fuss. I don't know if he'll be able to hold it together for the last 4 days until Santa comes. Then next week he is spending a couple of days at my sister's house, so we will both get a break. I am hoping we will be approved for and start in-home therapy soon after the new year. It sounds like we will be going to court sometime in January to finalize the adoption. While I'm not holding my breath, it's possible that he might relax a little bit after that. More proof of permanency?
We took turns reading and combing each other's hair tonight. It was fun. He has a baby afro that we have not been taking proper care of. The hair thing will probably come up as a huge post sometime soon. It is an issue.

Roller Coaster of Love

2006-12-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Things have been very rough the past few weeks. Lots of aggression and defiance and power struggles. Meds don't seem to do too much so far. I don't think it is a problem for drugs to fix, but I'm running out of steam. I am very tired of being bullied by a little kid. It's so weird. When you see those little brats on shows like oprah or nanny 911, you roll your eyes at how ridiculous. Until you have one. And I knew it was gonna be hard, of course, but until it is living in your house... People are sympathetic and supportive, but they really don't have any idea what the constant button pushing is like.
Things we have tried:
timers, hugs, removing privileges, yelling, ignoring, time out in bedroom for D, time out in bedroom for mom, dogs moved to safety, fake "holding therapy" or kinda modified and loving restraint, tokens, charts, schedules, written rules, reading rules daily, giving choices, natural consequences, payback for mom's wasted time/energy/money with chores, talking, lecturing, nagging...
and many combinations and variations of everything I can think of or read about.
And sometimes, he is an absolute doll. Funny and thoughtful and cheerful. It is just harder than you can imagine.

2006-11-03T14:01:00.000-05:00

Things have gone horribly wrong. I checked D into the psych hospital this morning because he is so out of control. He has always had major tantrums since we started overnight visits, but has lately been getting more and more violent. Attacking me and the dogs at the slightest provocation, like one of them stepping on his foot or me stopping a rousing game of "D Tells Mom How She is Kicking the Ball Wrong". Not only have things gotten more violent, but more frequent as well. Apparently I have not provided enough structure or discipline. He does not get away with a whole lot, but I guess I play with him too much or let him decide too many things???? I thought that giving kids choices and loving them even when they make bad ones and making sure they know you love them and enjoy spending time with them were good things for kids. Maybe my kid can't handle that right now.

Third Week of School

2006-09-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight it was open house at school, so I got to see D's classroom and where he sits (right in front of Ms. Teacher's desk). He was excited to show me everything, whereas a lot of kids were just kinda standing around with their parents. Then we had to come home and do homework, and he "hates school! it's boring! my whole class hates me!" It takes him like 15 minutes to do one problem (it's always math). He is pretty far behind in math, but I'm doing my best to help and not stress him out.
Last night we went to therapy and he got to talk to the therapist by himself finally. We also saw the psychiatrist earlier in the day. He prescribed Adderall, what he was on before, and another drug that seems a little scary. It's an ANTIPSYCHOTIC, but it's prescribed to kids "all the time" to help with aggressive behavior and tantrums and bipolar disorder. We'll see what happens. He's also starting "group" with the social worker at school, and went to a group for new kids with the other social worker. He will definitely have a lot of help if he wants to make use of it.

yes I am talking about you mom!!!!!

2006-08-17T21:43:00.000-04:00

2006-08-06T09:16:00.000-04:00

Camping checklist
BEDDING & EQUIPMENT
sleeping bags
pillows
air mattress
sheets
tent
chairs

CLOTHES
jeans
shirts
shorts
undies
socks
tennis shoes
beach shoes
sweatshirt
swimsuit & towel

BATHROOM ITEMS
toothbrush
toothpaste
hairbrush
washcloth
soap
contact lens supplies
glasses
pills
lotion
bandaids

FOOD/COOKING
foil
paper plates
paper towels
bottled water
poptarts/granola bars
pita bread
hummus
tomato sauce & cheese
apples & oranges
munchies
baby carrots
sandwiches
pop
single crystal light packs??
plasticware
tablecloth
hotdogs & buns
ketchup & mustard packs

MISC
flashlight/lantern
camera
beach toys
batteries
mitts & ball
cards/games
books/magazines
fire starters
phone
walkie talkies
paint & paintbrushes
bugspray
sunblock

Hoooraaayyyyy!!!!!!

2006-07-31T22:53:00.000-04:00

Dionte and I had a frustrating trip to our new therapist this morning. Dozens of phone calls and coordinating faxes and permissions granted were still not enough for us to be "treated" today, as I am not yet his legal guardian and couldn't sign consent forms (which is what I thought most of the hullabaloo had been about in the first place). I was pretty upset and annoyed, because the whole point of starting him at a new place was so that we would already have something in place before he came to my house to live. That and the heat and the frustration of not knowing when I WOULD be able to sign such things led to a slightly embarrassing and emotional visit to the adoption agency today to find out what was going on and vent a little bit.
Then this afternoon I got a phone call from his adoption worker saying she heard I had been by and she wanted to see how I was doing. I told her fine, and she said she wanted me to feel better than fine, and what was I doing on Friday?
WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!!! FINALLY!!!! We will be going to court on Friday morning. Yes, this Friday! to get consent to have him placed in my home that day. He will, in fact, be coming home Thursday night so that we can get up early enough to be spiffy and at the courthouse bright and early (for him).
After this, we will be in "supervision" for at least six months, with our case worker checking in with us and making sure we are doing ok. I'm going to take a week off from work to hopefully help ease the transition a little, and we'll see how things go. I'm very excited!!!!

Super Kid

2006-07-04T22:02:00.000-04:00

After last weekend's struggles, I wasn't sure what to expect for our latest visit. It turned out to be really good. Friday night we went to see Common at the Tastefest, and our evening ended pretty badly. We left without eating anything and after seeing only a couple of songs. He had to go to bed as soon as we got home (he didn't want anything to eat), and he hates everybody and everything, but still wanted me to hang out with him in bed.
I have been laying down with him after lights out, usually 'til he falls asleep. I'm not sure if this is gonna turn out to be setting us up for bad times ahead, 'cause of course I won't always be able to do that. For now, though, it is a nice time to chat and cuddle.
Saturday night, our friends came over for dinner, swimming, and sparklers. We had a lot of fun and he was really good for the most part. He is so nice to babies, and hung out with baby Charlie for quite a while. He also was using his mask and snorkle to go underwater which he has been a bit hesitant to do too much.
Sunday, he slept in until 12:30! And we had a wonderful day. Very happy and fun and silly and cuddly. He ran around all day with a towel tied around his neck making him Super D. I guess he needed to catch up on his sleep. Another good thing was him taking Miles outside when he got obnoxious. I told D I was sooo proud of him for doing that instead of hitting or kicking the poor dog. Hug hug what a great choice. Later, when they were playing with a toy, Miles bit him, and he picked up a magazine and started to give him a whack. But, he stopped and said, "No! I'm not gonna hit you, I'm gonna put you outside!" Woohooo for positive reinforcement.

In the Wild

2006-06-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we went camping with Mom's whole family, aunts and uncles and cousins. D had a lot of fun. We went "swimming" in the river, had fires, rode bikes, slept in the tent, played catch, and Amy and Corey made ladder golf for everybody to play.
On Saturday night, D was riding his bike around and sailing by, PeeWee Herman style, every few minutes to show us his tricks. It started to get a little dark and Mom was going to make ice cream with the kids, and he wasn't coming by anymore. I got on my bike and rode around. Nowhere. Got in the car to look, and still no sign of him. I wasn't panicked, but pretty worried. I finally found him riding with my uncle and cousin. Sometimes it's easy to forget that he needs a lot of explicit rules completely spelled out for him. It is not ok to disappear! Better ask for permission if you're leaving!
Now this weekend, he is just itchin' to fight with me. So yesterday afternoon he had a fit for no reason and was put in his room to calm down and get control of himself. This apparently means throw things around as hard as you can. SMASH!!!! Broke his window. I think it shocked and scared him a little because he calmed down soon after that. Now he has a fifty dollar IOU that he'll have to work off. So far he's paid back 50 cents by spraying the driveway weeds with vinegar.
At therapy on Monday he didn't want to talk to Donna, and she told him he looked like he needed a hug. Does Beth give you hugs? "no" Does your grandma give you hugs? "no" So she called me in at the end of his session and suggested I get him a stuffed animal to cuddle and sleep with and carry with him between both houses. I don't know why I was afraid he might be too cool, since he's never given me any reason to think that. He was thrilled to get a soft cuddly elephant, and carried it down to breakfast with him in the morning. Hopefully he can get a tiny bit of comfort from it. He's having a really rough time, and I feel pretty helpless right now.

Oh yeah, say goodbye to Miles for me!!

2006-05-29T19:20:00.000-04:00

i hadn't realized that it's been more than a month since i wrote anything. d and i have been getting along fine, learning stuff about each other, trying to work out some sort of routine. last weekend i finally got really angry at him. we went downtown to the farmer's market, which i thought would be a lot more fun and interesting than the stupid grocery store. as soon as we stepped out of the parking garage he started whining and saying his feet hurt and this is boring and let's just buy one thing and then leave. i got some grapes because we both love them and by that time he had started to cry. he did not want to be there. i bought a couple more things and tried to reason with him and when that didn't work, i tried to bargain with him. he didn't even want an elephant ear. thank god! i don't want to buy carnival treats every time we go somewhere he doesn't want to be.
so, i started a big grown-up pout and turned around and stalked off to the car and made him do a little trot to try to keep up with me (i was looking to make sure i didn't lose him, but he wouldn't have been able to see me doing it). and in the car i flicked off the song that we had listened to over and over on the way there because it was "BORING". he had to listen to npr all the way home and neither of us talked.
i apologized to him later, and he looked really uncomfortable while i talked. so, yeah, new mom does get mad and can pout and whine with the best of them. but he did get his way. i'm gonna call it a draw.
so....
this week was his turn to get really angry. we went to a tigers game friday night and he was pouting off and on about our seats not being in a good place to catch a ball and i don't even have a mitt if one did come up here, etc. so the tigers suck cause d didn't get a foul ball to take home. ok, whatever.
but then the next day, we started to set up our new bag o' water pool, and i was fussing about whether the ground was level. he suggested that perhaps we should cut the grass. what he meant was "i want to cut the grass". i said no. he stomped off into the house. a little later he came back out and i was busy with the pool, not paying much attention and i heard duncan do a mad dog growl/bark thing.
"why did he do that?"
"i kicked him" !!!??!!
"leave the dog alone"
went back to smoothing the bottom of the pool and look up just in time to see him pushing over the bench swing onto the flower bed. i rushed over and righted the swing and told him to get in the house. without the dogs. well, that was the last straw for him. i could see him every once in a while looking out the back door at me and then walking away when i looked up. so i eventually got thirsty and came in the house. his suitcase was sitting on the back stairs so i took the bait and brought it in to him and asked why his suitcase was on the stairs.
"i'm leaving!!!"
"where are you gonna go?"
"my grandma's house!!!"
"it's pretty far and it's hot out. you'll get thirsty and hungry."
d shrugs and starts looking for his hat. says goodbye to duncan. turns on his way out the door to tell me to say bye to miles for him (he was in the backyard). he probably got about three houses down the block and came back to ask which way he needed to go to get to grandma's. i printed up mapquest directions, showed him that it said 14.6 miles, and gave it to him. i stayed on the computer and didn't hear him open the door, but after a couple of minutes i got up to see if he was standing on the corner. the front door was wide open. DAMNIT!!! both dogs running away too. i grabbed their leashes and started walking down the street whistling for them. there was d dragging duncan back by his collar. we got both dogs home. he'll stay if i let him mow the lawn. ummmm...no. then he asked me to explain the map to him.
"i really don't want to help you run away. i wish you'd stay. i love you."
"no you don't! you're always so mean to me!" oh really?? i asked for examples. i'm mean because one time when he threw down the nintendo controller in anger i told him 'don't you do that!' and when he knocked over the swing i told him to 'get in the house!'
"well, i can't make you stay here, but you are always welcome. good luck with your running away from problems strategy. be safe. i love you."
"I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!" as he slams the front door shut.
it continued like this a couple more times until he just gave up and watched me play a video game until he felt like playing too. i did not give him a lesson in reading maps.

Lullaby needed

2006-04-22T22:38:00.000-04:00

The annual block sale at my aunt's house was today. And what a beautiful day! Last year was freezing and wet, but today was perfect. We went to the game store last night and got a new game for D's Gameboy that he could play all day today. He was very very good for the most part. My cousin's boy was there too, and they sat and played their Gameboys together. Afterwards, A came back to our house and played for a couple of hours. Unfortunately for him, this consisted of a lot of bossing by D and being a spectator as D played basketball and rode his bike. I eventually got him to come in and play videogames with me instead of standing around being bored.
We only had one meltdown today which was in fact very similar to actual melting. Amazing since he had such a hard time going to sleep last night. I layed down next to him for a while and rubbed his back, but no dice. I do believe he was trying to sleep, too, and not just goofing. So there was big huge potential for sour crabby boy.
I'm afraid that the no sleeping thing may be a side effect of the Adderall. He also ate next to nothing. He wanted to try Subway, but complained that the half of his meatball sub that I cut for him was too big. So he ate 3 inches of sub, no breakfast since he slept in late, a handful of cheetos and a bite of bagel for lunch, and half a piece of pizza and some salad for dinner. He said he's just never hungry anymore. I suspect another side effect. I offered him things throughout the day, just to make sure he wasn't too distracted or forgetting to eat. He just didn't want anything. Poor baby.
We saw a rainbow on the way back to his other house.

Street sense

2006-04-17T20:41:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, D wasn't able to stay here for Easter. He will have to find his basket next week. I did go to a therapy session last week, though, which was definitely interesting. It was me, D, and foster mom all in together, and it was a review of his goals and progress. One goal being personal safety. So we are working on that. Friday night we practiced stopping at every corner and looking both ways before crossing the street. But, after we rode around in the park a little, some mangey little boy asked if he could ride his bike, and D just handed it over. Nice that he wants to share, but man that's a bad idea. The kid didn't take off or anything, and the two played together until we had to leave. How're you supposed to handle something like that?
On saturday, we bought a dwarf peach tree and a plum tree at Big Lots (!), and planted one of them. Then D played basketball while I finished up and started dinner. I looked out the window, and he had a little audience watching him. The kids next door (probably around 5 and 3 yrs old) had pulled a little lawn chair and baby bike over to the fence and were cheering him on and talking to him. So so cute and funny. So at least he's been able to see that there are friendly, fun kids around here. I don't know if he had even thought about it, but I'm glad anyways.

Liberal family values

2006-04-03T19:24:00.000-04:00

I just had to write to my case worker about "my family's traditions and the values they left me with". I hope I can pass them along as well.

Values: empathy; tolerance; compassion; equality; responsibility; dependability; nonviolence and peaceful conflict resolution; importance of education; appreciation of art and creative pursuits; love for and conservation of nature; critical and independent thinking

Teary goodbye

2006-04-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, D cried all the way back to the agency. He didn't want to leave and he wanted me to let his worker and his grandma know that he wanted to stay with me. Of course, I had to cry too. I want him to stay with me and not leave either. We have a few little odds and ends in our case that need to be taken care of before they can file it with the court. But, hopefully within the next couple of months he will be able to move in for good.
For now though, he is going to come over every Friday night and go back to his foster family Saturday night. Yay!
Even though everybody says how hard it is to go through the adoption process, it is just starting to sink in that they may be right. Just going to one therapy session with him and yesterday's sobbing were absolutely breaking my heart. I gave him my phone number, but I don't know if he will be allowed to use the phone. Grandma seemed genuinely sympathetic when I dropped him off. I hope she lets him.
sigh

Brainstorming ideas for next visit & he writes...

2006-03-26T14:20:00.000-05:00

The Color of Love

2006-03-11T07:07:00.000-05:00

I have been considering the issue of race and racial identity since I began thinking about adopting. Will I be able to parent a child of another race? Will I be cheating him out of a racially congruent family? How will I make sure that he grows up with a healthy love of himself? Am I comfortable with becoming a minority family? The questions are endless, and the answers very elusive.
I don't believe in "color blind". I don't think that loving my child is enough when it comes to forming a multi-racial household. I do think (hope) that having a white mom is better than a childhood in the foster care system only to be abandoned the second you turn 18, ready or not.
Last Saturday, D was talking about how I live on the east side and grandma lives on the west side. A little while later, he bursts out with "All the people on the east side are white!" Now this is far from reality, but on that day, every single person outside was white. I began praying for any person of color to make an appearance. A group of kids would be especially comforting. It was not to be. All white all the way home.
Even though I have been thinking about all of this for a long time, I was surprisingly unprepared when the topic came up. I had planned to talk about it with him, and make sure that he was ok with a white family. Assure him that he would not be cut off from the black community or be expected to be somebody he was not. Have I been avoiding it? Maybe. I guess I just didn't want the happy bubble to burst yet. Or have him look at me and go "Oh no! You're WHITE? I don't want to do this anymore! This is not the family I signed up for."
That, thankfully, is not what happened, but the exchange was miles away from being the satisfying and loving chat that I fantasized about. He expressed his worry about the issue, and I told him I'm glad he told me because I think we should be able to talk about it. DOH! Hopefully, he will get used to my fumbling attempts at being his mom, and now that the race door is opened maybe we can explore that a little further each time it comes up.

2006-02-05T07:33:00.000-05:00

D and I have been having visits since the end of November. He is a very charming little boy if he wants to be and definately quite outgoing. Very very little awareness of stranger danger, understandable since he's had to completely trust one stranger after another in his life. It's a little disconcerting, though, to have a kid his age constantly greeting everybody that walks by or going to someone else's table at Burger King and sitting down to chat. A toddler maybe, but an almost 8 yr old? I'm sure there's some big developmental explanation that somebody could write a case study about, but he's certainly a friendly guy.
We haven't had any problems yet, but we don't get to spend more than 6 hrs at a time together. We've mostly just been hanging out, getting used to being in this house with these dogs and this mom. I keep wondering when this big temper tantrum or wild outburst is going to happen, but I don't see any sign of it. Of course, I have been pretty easygoing too, so far. We're still in a little bit of a guest/host relationship, but I don't think in an uncomfortable way. When he says "going to your house" I always reply with a "going to our house". Saturday, we talked about how my family would be related to him when I'm his mom. Another Grandma (foster mom is "Grandma"), Grandpa, and aunts. He was interested in meeting the aunts, and we had already planned to celebrate all 4 family February birthdays next visit. He can meet them then.
Miles and Duncan are still pretty intimidating to him. They are just big and wild and so excited to see him. We have a routine when we get home - he runs around to the front door, and I go in the back and let out the dogs, and then let him in. They are catching on, though. It's gonna get harder and harder to get them to go outside when they can hear him running down the driveway. We need lots of work on dog etiquette. Always have, but now moreso. Of course it probably doesn't help that he runs to the treats every time he walks in. Is he trying to bribe them into calming down? I guess that's something we can work on together.
Things are progressing anyways, and I got a call today to come in to the agency to sign subsidy papers. I'm sure that one of these days, I will wish that I could ship him off to his other house, but for now, I am feeling as impatient as ever.

2005-10-24T20:11:00.000-04:00

eastpointe millage

Disgusted and Distraught

2005-09-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I'm sure I'm not the only one who assumed that control of the situation down south would be quickly and easily accomplished. We are a nation full of resources. Transportation, food, water, medicine, diapers, and plain old comfort seem to be so readily available that surely people would not suffer. In the physical sense anyways. The cynic in me has been far outdone this time though. We do not provide for these people under normal circumststances, how could it be any different in an emergency.
FEMA has been so adament about volunteers not dispatching themselves to the area, but it is so devastating to watch as seemingly nothing is being done for those most in need. The sick and old are dying for lack of basic necessaties. It seems that if not enough is being done on an "official" level, individuals would be right to ignore the officials and do what they can without a leader. All the money in the world is of no use if it's not being used immediately and where it is needed. You cannot eat or drink a donation. You can't catch a ride on a credit card pledge or float away from danger on a promise.
I have been crying all day out of frustration and helplessness because I know that I can't rent a truck and play rescue heroes. It is soooo not like me to be this affected by tragedy on tv. And I know, of course, that the media is never totally accurate. There may not be corpses floating through the city (though I'm sure there are at least a few), but even a handful of people dead due to a lack of mobilization and organization are way too many. But as I said, with all that we have, and all the money that has been spent on "homeland security" and disaster plans, why is it so hard to get help to where it is needed? That is the disaster in my opinion.

like sands through the hourglass...

2005-08-30T21:21:00.000-04:00

well, as it turns out, i did go to the picnic and i did meet D. it ended up being a really cool day. however, virtually nothing has happened since then. i just got some of his file "to get started on" after two months of phone calls. his case worker has been out on medical leave, so apparently he just has to wait. he has been in two foster homes this summer, and probably started school yesterday. i still have no idea when this will happen. if it does.
what do i do? pray? whine and complain? enjoy my last weeks free of the responsibility of a child? maybe this boy was not meant to be my son. where can i get answers? the waiting is harder than ever. now there is a real kid to focus on, instead of just the abstract idea of one. i don't know if i will be able to keep going indefinately.
tonight i felt like i had something to say and needed to write. turns out i was wrong. what i really need is to just go to bed.

still skeptical after all these years

2005-06-09T21:00:00.000-04:00

again i am being pushed to go to an event when i was planning to skip it. this 7 yr old is still being considered for me, or rather, i'm being considered for him. ms. worker keeps telling me that they plan on "presenting" him to me. be patient, grrl. i think i've been exceedingly patient so far. but apparently they are planning on bringing him to a festival/picnic thing that the state exchange does every year. this will be my third year attending. they're gonna bring D for "some non-pressure fun time for both of you." yeah right. not that i don't belive that that's the plan, i just can not get too into anything they say. it's too hard on me.
it's funny how in the classes and books they tell you that the kid will probably be terrible in the beginning to try to sabotage the relationship. hurt before getting hurt, test to see if this is the real deal. it's scary how much i know that feeling, i can totally identify with it as i have a tendency to lean that way too. expect the worst and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. i really want to try to have a good attitude though. i think i'll call my worker to see what's up. when are they "presenting" him to me? wtf is going on? are his brothers and sisters gonna be there? why introduce us before we've formally discussed anything at all?
in happy gardening news though, winter sowing was a huge success. i've given away a lot of plants and still have a patio full of little guys to find homes for. either in my yard or somebody elses, but they gotta be planted soon. it's getting annoying trying to keep all these little seperate containers watered enough.
i also got a pin oak to plant in the side yard as a replacement for the baby red oak that's now dead oak. oak oak oak. i want one so bad. i hate maples which seem to be the only tree ever considered throughout the whole city. "hmmmm...we want to plant a tree, what sort of maple should we get?" talk about monoculture. and now i will be a member of the club too, cause i also got a dogwood tree. not quite as ubiquitous as the maples, but close. it was only $10 though. i couldn't leave it at the nursery, not for that price. because it is not tree planting season anymore? i don't get all the sale prices that this place had. it seems like they could just keep them til fall. maybe because they were already potted or burlapped up? don't know, but i'm sure i can baby these guys along. also got a dwarf arctic willow and a cool varigated weigela to put next to the drive. muah-ha-ha-ha my master plan is beginning to take shape.

Beautiful Holiday Monday

2005-05-30T21:57:00.000-04:00

i stayed up so late last night - like 4 i think. so today i slept in. later went to the (very) local nursery, semrau's, and i was impressed. they had so much stuff and lots of native plants. i kinda thought they catered to the begonia/impatiens/petunias crowd. i will definitely be going back when i figure out what to put between the driveway and the neighbors. good prices too.
nothing, NOTHING! going on in the adoption biz. i got my updated physical and sent it in. for what? some days i really feel like quitting.
but, speaking of physicals, i have a big ol' crush on my doctor. she is so pretty and smart and funny. sigh. she's not that much older than me, but i still just don't think it would work. besides that whole ethical thing, i feel like she is totally a grown-up and i am still mostly not. but a girl can dream (and be a semi-stalker just for fun). she did agree, though, to do my medication reviews for me now. that way, i don't have to pay the new and insane copay of $40 to see the psychiatrist. and i get to see her every three months or so. be still my beating heart.

Spring spring spring

2005-03-19T19:20:00.000-05:00

For the past month, I've been drooling over garden catalogs, books, websites, etc. Luckily, I joined GardenWeb and found out about winter sowing. Sowing seeds in covered containers and setting 'em outside to sprout when they're ready. I have complete faith (usually) that all the dozens of containers that I've sown are going to show some green eventually and I will be able to FILL my yard with so many flowers. So I'm in a gardening frenzy right now. I started a worm bin to compost kitchen scraps. They are pretty neat, and not as gross as I would have thought. I still am not super into touching them yet though. Also collecting coffee grounds from Starbucks (only found one so far that is putting them out already) for my new lasagna beds.
Another exciting bit of news is that I may have an adoption match. A 7 yr old boy with not too many problems, available (almost), everybody thinks it would be good. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high though. No idea about timeframe yet, as a former foster parent is trying to get him. Supposedly, chances are slim to none that she has any chance, but I wasn't told any of the circumstances. So just keeping my fingers and toes crossed this time.

possibilities

2005-02-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

my homestudy is in the hands of two kids' social workers. my fingers are crossed.

sickly

2005-01-29T20:53:00.000-05:00

i have been sick so often lately, it's starting to really suck. my throat started hurting last night and it hasn't gone away. another cold? the same one? i have no idea, but i'm feeling too restless to just lay down. i went a little crazy at the dollar store today. it's way too easy to get caught up in the "but it's only a dollar" thing. i have the same problem at target - i have banned myself from all target stores, at least for the time being. this is of course in support of my half serious new year's resolutions. half serious is not really right, but my self improving is an ongoing project not a once a year declaration. currently at the top of the list are decluttering & organizing, trying to not be so into the consumer culture, be smarter with money.
now it's saturday night and i didn't go to a gathering at my friends house for fear of spreading germs and spreading myself too thin. my hands are having this incredible itch to make something, and my mind is completely blank. i could sew some covers for the couch pillows, but i'm afraid the dog would just tear the new ones up same as the old ones. he was good for a few weeks, but this week ate some mail, took things off the kitchen counter, dragged the cushion off the chair up to his stairway perch (?!). he's bumped himself way back down the trust ladder.
the kids my worker and i discussed at our last meeting are not for me either. one is too aggressive and the other needs a stay-at-home parent. where do you sign up for that? she still is trying to contact one kids worker though. i'm keeping my fingers crossed, but not holding my breath.

no news is bad news

2005-01-23T19:31:00.000-05:00

well, i met with my worker on tuesday. nothing too much came of it. she is checking into a few kids for me. one sounds pretty promising. here's hoping.
and if you have been sleeping for the past week, you must check out this link judy bachrach of vanity fair refusing to fall in line with the fox news adoring coverage of the inauguration. awesome.

nectar of the gods

2004-12-01T20:55:00.000-05:00

i love jumex strawberry nectar. and the can is so so sexy.

disgusting

2004-12-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

i talked to A's social worker on monday to find out if it was even a possibility for me to adopt him. she said no. he's not ready to be in a family and he needs the "strength and discipline of a father". yeah. so i'm totally disgusted with the whole system, and finally wrote an email to my sw to tell her that. i'm sure that she'll "lose" it though so she doesn't have to even respond. i'm so frustrated, but the thought of starting over is totally horrifying. it's been a year and a half!! you'd think i was looking for a completely healthy caucasian infant, the holy grail of adoption. i'm gonna ask for advice from the state resource center. see what they suggest. i can hardly bare the thought of christmas right now.

skate

2004-11-20T19:26:00.000-05:00

a couple of weeks ago, my worker called. shocked the hell out of me. she was sending me a ticket to an event that was coming up, cause she had been talking to somebody who said they would make sure that A was there. a few weeks before, i was sitting next to her at a meeting, and said that i was interested in him, and apparently this time she heard me (even though i had already asked about him in june). it was going to be a skating party where kids and families could interact and hope for that spark.
so today i went to the roller rink. it was ok. it was not really an activity that naturally led to conversation, as was the case with bowling and the zoo. but everybody knew i was there to meet A, so this lady went and got him from skating and made him come over and introduced us. i punked out. i had no idea what to say to him. so he went back skating and i sat down again to watch kids skate around and around and around.
when the group that he came with went to eat, i went with them and sat at their table. again, i was completely tongue-tied. they are just little kids. but it is such a weird situation, it makes me very uncomfortable. eventually, they all went to play laser tag, and i was alone again.

Disgusted and Horrified

2004-11-09T18:34:00.000-05:00

i am so full of negative feelings right now. michigan was one of 11 states to pass amendments to their constitutions that were more or less meant to crush the gay equal rights movement. equal not special. i always thought that changing the constitution was a big deal. apparently all those moral voters do not have the same respect for it as a document of freedom and democracy. they are so full of hate, and of course, it's the same people who cry that homosexuals are so promiscuous and trying to recruit. we're the same as anybody, and some of us just want to settle down and raise a family in peace.
oh, and then, i hear that orrin hatch would like to change the us constitution to allow foreign born citizens to be president. believe me, i am not at all opposed to the idea, but the timing is so obviously about arnold it makes me sick. so here states are acting to prevent the building of families, and the us constitution could conceivably be amended for ONE man???!?!?!?!? a sexist womanizing violent pig at that.
i didn't call adoption agencies again today. i went to the fia yesterday, and for some reason they gave me a packet about foster care. i don't know if they misunderstood, or if they only recruit foster families who might be able to adopt their foster kids someday.

adoption journey conference

2004-11-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

yesterday i went to a conference all day to learn more stuff about adoption, and now i don't know what to do with all the info. maybe i should get a 'new parent' binder and put all my stuff into different catagories like an organized person. i'm just afraid that everything i've been learning in the past year and a half or more is just gonna be all jumbled together (and very possibly lost) in my head and will just turn into unusable info mush. also, the people that i talked to there have finally given me the kick i needed to change agencies. this time i want to do it right and keep track of EVERYTHING and this seems like a fun way of keeping track of dates and thoughts, even if nobody ever reads it but me.

session 1 - rage and soothing mechanisms very interesting look at development in the first three years of life (and lack of) and how that leads to future emotional responses. and the soothing stuff was cool too, like "wringing" your hands releases dopamine so have 'em go put on lotion. this gives them a break in the environment and event and helps them calm down and i think using a soothing smell like lavendar would help too.
session 2 - parenting the sexually abusive child pretty tough subject, but interestingly, it doesn't really disturb me that much. that's why even though i don't think that i would want a criminally abusive child, i think that i would definitely be ok with a sexually abused kid or one with weird boundary issues or behaviors. also i have no other kids to worry about keeping safe in my home (the dogs might be a problem, but much less so than exposing another child to that stuff). we'll see. it will likely turn out that they will have been sexually abused whether i'm prepared for that or not. *i just had a thought about me being a mom and how could i communicate w/a son without embarrassing him too much. what if we had a shared notebook/journal that we could both write our thoughts in. that way, he doesn't have to be telling his mom stuff, but could still get input. could work for other things that are too hard to talk about openly too. i need to put an ideas catagory in my new parent binder too.
session 3 - growing up in a different culture cool panel discussion with mostly korean born folks raised by white families. the thing that i seem to be getting most strongly from these types of people/books/learning experiences is to make multiculturalism a normal part of your life (duh, but may be easier said than done), and communicate with the kids and validate their experiences since i will have no way of ever knowing how it feels really.
session 4 - single adoptive and foster parenting it can be done. support support support support.