Wow. I can't believe I haven't written anything since Feb. Roller derby is going well. There is still always something wrong with me, constant bad legs, and it's really hard. There were some issues in the league, so some of us broke off and started our own league now. Same venue and we took a lot of the skaters with us, so there's some bad blood. Other than that, I think things are going great so far. We have a couple of new skaters, are starting fundraising, have everybody on committees, working hard. It feels good.
D is really struggling with 7th grade. He is in a new school this year, since his old school closed. I don't know if it's because there's a new principal, or if it has to do with combining the two middle schools into one, but I have been really unhappy with this whole year. I don't feel like he's gotten the support he needs, academically. He's in band, and never got to play once in a public show during the whole year! There is no way for parents to go online and follow how their child is doing, which I think is pretty standard stuff nowadays. It is just an overall feeling of him not being important or maybe getting lost in the whole thing. Our district, like most others in the state, is in serious money trouble and is in a state of turmoil and change right now. I have to look out for my kid, though, and wish it would seem like there was some effort on the school's part. Only a couple of more weeks to go, though. Maybe if he felt like somebody there cared, he would try working a little bit, at least.
Since I work in the same district, and there is so much money wrangling going on, it was inevitable that I was going to be laid off. Iam not at all sure what I am going to do yet. I'm pretty worried about it.
Our neighbors are having a yard sale this weekend, and D and his friend bought a croquet set. I can hear the clunk of their mallets on the balls as I sit here typing. So cute - playing croquet and talking about the girls that were at the skating rink last night.

Our first bout is on Saturday. I'm very nervous and excited. So many of us are completely new to the sport, and some of us have never even been to a live bout (me). It will be an experience for sure. I've been working at it, but it seems like every practice there is something holding me down. Leg cramps, forgot my skates and have to go get 'em, D being an out of control jerk. I'm starting to think it is my lazy nature shining through. Any excuse to slink away and get out of doing 1 more suicide drill. I have come light years further than where I was at the beginning. Still a long way to go, but better.

In Sept, I joined a roller derby league. It is insanely hard for this obese, out-of-shape wreck of a woman. I'm still working at it, though. The problem, of course, is that I need to work more than just the 2 practices a week that we have as a team.
Despite the grueling task of lugging my ass around a rink, I LOVE it. Being with a group of cool woman, who all bring something unique to the team. They amaze me with their talents on and off wheels.
It is fairly hard to work everything out as far as balancing my fun with being a mom. I feel like I'm taking advantage of my parents if I leave him there too much. It feels really good, though, to have something of my very own to do/be a part of.

Speaking of babies...

Last night, D and I were talking about how hard it would be to go on vacation with a baby, slowing you down, fussing and just being bad travelers in general. He decided he doesn't want a baby for that reason. This led to a discussion about how hard babies are to take care of in any situation, and how one should really want a baby before they are born. I asked him if he knew how to NOT have a baby. He just seemed confused. Thus the need for a Lesson:
#1 - by not having sex. "oh, yeah."
#2 - using a condom if you do have sex. "what's a condom?"
WHAAAT?!?!? It honestly hadn't really occurred to me that he wouldn't know what a condom was. At 12, I probably didn't. However, that was before AIDS was on the mainstream radar. I also went to a parochial school and was not very, um, worldly. But a boy currently in public junior high who doesn't know what that is? Crazy. I think the lesson for me is that, of course, it is very important for me to keep the lines of communication open regarding sexual issues. Also, that despite lots of scary media coverage about kids and sex, things really aren't that different than it was when I was a kid. He's still quite innocent and thinks about girls, but doesn't have much opportunity to shed that innocence. Thankfully!

Our Trip West

Recently, I heard someone say that once you have kids, you don't go on vacation anymore. You take trips. More work and a lot less fun and/or relaxing. D is a surprisingly good travel companion as far as driving is concerned. Good thing, because for our trip last week, we drove to visit my sister who was staying in Oklahoma City, about a 16 hour drive.
We stopped in St. Louis the first night, and the plan was to explore the city the next day. We went to the very fun City Museum in the morning. After lunch, D refused to go to see the Arch. I think he was afraid that he would be forced to go to the top. I did want to do that, but I wouldn't have forced him. I don't know if I quite buy his "fear of heights". I don't really have any phobias, though, so I guess I'm not very sympathetic or good at understanding. So, we checked out the graffiti down the street and headed to our next hotel. He was a little obsessed with going swimming every day. Grandma let us use her atlas, so there was some map reading going on. He has very shaky understandings of geography and the differences between cities and states and how everything is organized. We had a pretty good time overall, and had a nice visit with the family. D LOVES being a big cousin. It makes him feel very important and he loves being adored by the baby. He played pretty much the whole time with his toddler cuz, and had a blast.
He has been taking a new medication, and it seems to be working great for the aggressive part of his ADHD. Don't really know about how it'll be with the concentrating and schoolwork stuff, though. Time will tell. But there were shockingly few tantrums or ODD behavior, even when he couldn't buy something he wanted (a big time trigger, usually).
Tomorrow, we go get his new schedule for school. I am nervous. He will be starting a new school this year. Our district combined two Jr. Highs, and his is the one that got closed. Now he will have to take a bus. I have hope that things will go well, but I won't be holding my breath. He is very unhappy about the change, and I'm hoping once things get going he will get over it. I wish we could have just a little bit more summer, but it will be good to have a schedule again. Neither of us is especially good with wide open days.

Updating

So... Facebook. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Of course, the bad - I spend completely too much time doing absolutely nothing on Facebook. Wasting time like there is plenty of it when, in fact, there never seems to be enough. The good is that I can maintain some ties with acquaintances without putting in any actual effort. Just a Farmville gift now and then and a look at their photo albums is a-ok with someone who is not especially social most of the time.
The ugly. The fact that anybody who knows your name can "find" you, whether or not you were hiding. (I suppose if you were hiding, you wouldn't be on facebook, but, you know...) And maybe worse than that is that you can find those who you are probably better off not looking for. Last night I googled, or rather binged, D's birth father's name. Something I've done from time to time, just out of curiosity. Never got a hit that made sense, just athletes, people across the country, lists of random names, etc. Now that facebook is so ubiquitous, it makes sense that he'd eventually turn up. Clicked the name, and the instant the profile pic came up I could see it was him. He looks exactly like D. Weird sick feeling in my stomach.
When you do a straight adoption, it is easy to have this abstract idea of the "other" parents since you never had to have any interaction with them. It is no problem to tolerantly understand that they had issues, and even though they got a good start at destroying at least one life besides their own, they are not bad people. Because really, they aren't even people to you. They are societal problems, the roots of your child's attachment issues, the reason you will never enjoy a tantrum-free Mother's Day. But never flesh and blood. Just a big question mark.
Until you see them. You can see where your darling baby got their eyebrows or nose or chin. And then I checked out the friends list, and really wish I hadn't. This man is my age, mid 30s, and yet, almost all of his friends were girls. Not women, girls. Most between like 16 and 21 years old from all over the Metro area. Not even out of school. Ill. It is impossible not to imagine how many other children he has bouncing around the system. Or what he does for fun. Or how he can sit there so casually for all the world to see and not know where his sons are or whether they are alive or dead or living with some white lady.
What do I do with this now? Is there a compartment to hold the disgust for this "man" and not see him in his progeny? Would I ever let my kid meet him if he wanted to? Should I dig deeper or let it go completely? No longer abstract. The ugly. Looking right out of the screen.

Nicknames

So many blogs have adorable names for the children appearing within. Are these names that they use in everyday life? Did they think and think about what the names would be? Trying them out in their minds before putting them in print? Is it really a big danger to use your children's actual names online? I have always used my son's first initial, but I think out of respect for his privacy. Is this what motivates others, too?
So, I'm considering what I could call D instead of D. I hate DS, DH, DD. Those gross me out for some reason. They seem so artificial or something.
I could call him Dreamer since he daydreams all day about being a rock star and having a mansion, riding around in limos and having bodyguards. On the other hand, it makes him sound like he arrived arrived from fairyland on the back of a pink unicorn.
He could be Money. Again because he dreams of having it, despite complete lack of the skills to manage it. That, though, conjures up thoughts of "ghetto" stereotypes.
He could be Chris, because when we first talked about him changing his name when he got adopted, he said he would like the name Chris Brown like the singer. We all know the direction Chris Brown has been taking lately.
What about Cupcake? He is very sweet and cute. He is not, thankfully, covered in frosting with sprinkles.
How about Prince? His therapist always tells him that if he wants to be treated like a prince, he better treat his mom like a queen. Prince reminds me either of some pampered pooch or the purple one. Neither appropriate choices for my son.
The most likely possibility is Sunny or Sonny. He is warm and brings so much brightness to my life. He has a million watt smile. He enjoys being a son and being referred to as someone's son. And that has always been his "dog name" when he acts like he is a dog (not really as frequent an occurance these days).
I'll just stick with D, I suppose. It would seem weird to change it now. However, I do enjoy seeing the names others come up with for the members of their families. I am assuming they are infinitely more creative than I am, and that is something I can admire without being a wannabe ;)