eastpointe millage

Disgusted and Distraught

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I'm sure I'm not the only one who assumed that control of the situation down south would be quickly and easily accomplished. We are a nation full of resources. Transportation, food, water, medicine, diapers, and plain old comfort seem to be so readily available that surely people would not suffer. In the physical sense anyways. The cynic in me has been far outdone this time though. We do not provide for these people under normal circumststances, how could it be any different in an emergency.
FEMA has been so adament about volunteers not dispatching themselves to the area, but it is so devastating to watch as seemingly nothing is being done for those most in need. The sick and old are dying for lack of basic necessaties. It seems that if not enough is being done on an "official" level, individuals would be right to ignore the officials and do what they can without a leader. All the money in the world is of no use if it's not being used immediately and where it is needed. You cannot eat or drink a donation. You can't catch a ride on a credit card pledge or float away from danger on a promise.
I have been crying all day out of frustration and helplessness because I know that I can't rent a truck and play rescue heroes. It is soooo not like me to be this affected by tragedy on tv. And I know, of course, that the media is never totally accurate. There may not be corpses floating through the city (though I'm sure there are at least a few), but even a handful of people dead due to a lack of mobilization and organization are way too many. But as I said, with all that we have, and all the money that has been spent on "homeland security" and disaster plans, why is it so hard to get help to where it is needed? That is the disaster in my opinion.

like sands through the hourglass...

well, as it turns out, i did go to the picnic and i did meet D. it ended up being a really cool day. however, virtually nothing has happened since then. i just got some of his file "to get started on" after two months of phone calls. his case worker has been out on medical leave, so apparently he just has to wait. he has been in two foster homes this summer, and probably started school yesterday. i still have no idea when this will happen. if it does.
what do i do? pray? whine and complain? enjoy my last weeks free of the responsibility of a child? maybe this boy was not meant to be my son. where can i get answers? the waiting is harder than ever. now there is a real kid to focus on, instead of just the abstract idea of one. i don't know if i will be able to keep going indefinately.
tonight i felt like i had something to say and needed to write. turns out i was wrong. what i really need is to just go to bed.

still skeptical after all these years

again i am being pushed to go to an event when i was planning to skip it. this 7 yr old is still being considered for me, or rather, i'm being considered for him. ms. worker keeps telling me that they plan on "presenting" him to me. be patient, grrl. i think i've been exceedingly patient so far. but apparently they are planning on bringing him to a festival/picnic thing that the state exchange does every year. this will be my third year attending. they're gonna bring D for "some non-pressure fun time for both of you." yeah right. not that i don't belive that that's the plan, i just can not get too into anything they say. it's too hard on me.
it's funny how in the classes and books they tell you that the kid will probably be terrible in the beginning to try to sabotage the relationship. hurt before getting hurt, test to see if this is the real deal. it's scary how much i know that feeling, i can totally identify with it as i have a tendency to lean that way too. expect the worst and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. i really want to try to have a good attitude though. i think i'll call my worker to see what's up. when are they "presenting" him to me? wtf is going on? are his brothers and sisters gonna be there? why introduce us before we've formally discussed anything at all?
in happy gardening news though, winter sowing was a huge success. i've given away a lot of plants and still have a patio full of little guys to find homes for. either in my yard or somebody elses, but they gotta be planted soon. it's getting annoying trying to keep all these little seperate containers watered enough.
i also got a pin oak to plant in the side yard as a replacement for the baby red oak that's now dead oak. oak oak oak. i want one so bad. i hate maples which seem to be the only tree ever considered throughout the whole city. "hmmmm...we want to plant a tree, what sort of maple should we get?" talk about monoculture. and now i will be a member of the club too, cause i also got a dogwood tree. not quite as ubiquitous as the maples, but close. it was only $10 though. i couldn't leave it at the nursery, not for that price. because it is not tree planting season anymore? i don't get all the sale prices that this place had. it seems like they could just keep them til fall. maybe because they were already potted or burlapped up? don't know, but i'm sure i can baby these guys along. also got a dwarf arctic willow and a cool varigated weigela to put next to the drive. muah-ha-ha-ha my master plan is beginning to take shape.

Beautiful Holiday Monday

i stayed up so late last night - like 4 i think. so today i slept in. later went to the (very) local nursery, semrau's, and i was impressed. they had so much stuff and lots of native plants. i kinda thought they catered to the begonia/impatiens/petunias crowd. i will definitely be going back when i figure out what to put between the driveway and the neighbors. good prices too.
nothing, NOTHING! going on in the adoption biz. i got my updated physical and sent it in. for what? some days i really feel like quitting.
but, speaking of physicals, i have a big ol' crush on my doctor. she is so pretty and smart and funny. sigh. she's not that much older than me, but i still just don't think it would work. besides that whole ethical thing, i feel like she is totally a grown-up and i am still mostly not. but a girl can dream (and be a semi-stalker just for fun). she did agree, though, to do my medication reviews for me now. that way, i don't have to pay the new and insane copay of $40 to see the psychiatrist. and i get to see her every three months or so. be still my beating heart.

Spring spring spring

For the past month, I've been drooling over garden catalogs, books, websites, etc. Luckily, I joined GardenWeb and found out about winter sowing. Sowing seeds in covered containers and setting 'em outside to sprout when they're ready. I have complete faith (usually) that all the dozens of containers that I've sown are going to show some green eventually and I will be able to FILL my yard with so many flowers. So I'm in a gardening frenzy right now. I started a worm bin to compost kitchen scraps. They are pretty neat, and not as gross as I would have thought. I still am not super into touching them yet though. Also collecting coffee grounds from Starbucks (only found one so far that is putting them out already) for my new lasagna beds.
Another exciting bit of news is that I may have an adoption match. A 7 yr old boy with not too many problems, available (almost), everybody thinks it would be good. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high though. No idea about timeframe yet, as a former foster parent is trying to get him. Supposedly, chances are slim to none that she has any chance, but I wasn't told any of the circumstances. So just keeping my fingers and toes crossed this time.

possibilities

my homestudy is in the hands of two kids' social workers. my fingers are crossed.

sickly

i have been sick so often lately, it's starting to really suck. my throat started hurting last night and it hasn't gone away. another cold? the same one? i have no idea, but i'm feeling too restless to just lay down. i went a little crazy at the dollar store today. it's way too easy to get caught up in the "but it's only a dollar" thing. i have the same problem at target - i have banned myself from all target stores, at least for the time being. this is of course in support of my half serious new year's resolutions. half serious is not really right, but my self improving is an ongoing project not a once a year declaration. currently at the top of the list are decluttering & organizing, trying to not be so into the consumer culture, be smarter with money.
now it's saturday night and i didn't go to a gathering at my friends house for fear of spreading germs and spreading myself too thin. my hands are having this incredible itch to make something, and my mind is completely blank. i could sew some covers for the couch pillows, but i'm afraid the dog would just tear the new ones up same as the old ones. he was good for a few weeks, but this week ate some mail, took things off the kitchen counter, dragged the cushion off the chair up to his stairway perch (?!). he's bumped himself way back down the trust ladder.
the kids my worker and i discussed at our last meeting are not for me either. one is too aggressive and the other needs a stay-at-home parent. where do you sign up for that? she still is trying to contact one kids worker though. i'm keeping my fingers crossed, but not holding my breath.

no news is bad news

well, i met with my worker on tuesday. nothing too much came of it. she is checking into a few kids for me. one sounds pretty promising. here's hoping.
and if you have been sleeping for the past week, you must check out this link judy bachrach of vanity fair refusing to fall in line with the fox news adoring coverage of the inauguration. awesome.