My Goddess Chorus

I have been having a big problem with stairs lately. I am not drunk. I am not tripping over carelessly placed shoes/toys/skates. My shoelaces are not untied.
I broke my pinkie finger on Thanksgiving falling UP the stairs. Letting the dogs in, wearing slippers, in a hurry to get everything done = ouch. I did not go to the dr because I don't believe they do anything for broken pinkie fingers besides tape them up. I did that myself, and it is still kinda jacked. Perhaps next time I break a finger I will go get it checked out.
But in the meantime, WTF is going on? I seriously fall down the stairs at least once every week or so. Many times it is because I am wearing socks and my feet just slip down some stairs like skiing. But much less graceful and very bumpy and there is no swooshy snow to help me along. This often turns into a tumble with 30 limbs all akimbo and ending up underneath the crushing weight of my big fat ass. I guess I need to slow down.

Last night I had a dream that I was somehow part of a really cool band - like the new member. It maybe was some kind of alt folk, but was made up of really awesome rockin' women, and their beautiful songs were loved by boys and girls, young and old. I was seriously starstruck and in awe, but they were sooo cool that I was also perfectly comfortable around them. We were having a concert in a gymnasium and we were on the bleachers and the audience was in folding chairs lined up on the floor. It was very casual. It turned out I was the new singer (!?!) and it was my first time playing with them. So I was holding the mic and these chicks were all surrounding me and being very supportive and sweet. And I started singing, but I couldn't remember the words, but it was ok - they just helped me along and I knew I would eventually remember and everything would be fine because it was totally low stress and lovely. I wish I could have kept sleeping.

Boo

I almost never watch tv. Not because I have anything against it really, I would just rather spend my free time (HAHHAHAHAHA) on my computer. The tv has been off for a while because D finds it nearly impossible to ever turn it off when I tell him to. This difficulty has a couple of times lead to me turning the power off on the first floor. Talk about tantrum! Thankfully, without lights, he is a little bit less likely to connect. So, a little side story before I even start in on what I meant to write about. The other day, he asked me if I was upset with him for some reason. I said no and then I asked him what he thought would be the worst thing that would happen if I had been upset with him. He thought for a second and said he could lose tv. I told him that for the worst thing, that wasn't that bad. "To me it is! And don't tell me that tv is drugs for kids!" Ha! I guess he does listen to me once in a while. He cracks me up.
Anyways I had it on tonight, and I caught a new show on A&E called Paranormal State. A group of attractive psychic college students go around investigating hauntings and such. Surprisingly, it totally captivated me. They go to regular people's houses and these people are convinced they are being haunted. It is very spooky. Any kind of "real" ghost story totally creeps me out. The night vision, glowing eye video doesn't hurt either. The show is also very ridiculous and contrived and full of really bad dialogue. But the tiniest teeniest speck of a chance that stuff like this could and does happen is so intriguing to me. Gullible? or open-minded? I am enough of a skeptic to realize that the show is totally laughable, but still....

O Tannenbaum

The deal was we don't get to decorate for Christmas until the house is cleaned. It is now Dec. 15 and no progress has been made. Well, the dishes got done and the hallway was vacuumed, but to me that is not progress. It is not just D either, I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper, a trait multiplied many times over with a boy in the house now. Here is my drastic plan to hopefully be able to get a tree. We are going to take a few bags or boxes and fill them with all the crap cluttering up the whole house. Any cherished toy/paper/article of clothing must be put away immediately to escape the bag. We will write a "To Be Destroyed" date on the container, maybe a year and a half from now, and anything that hasn't been removed will get chucked. Papers will be shredded somehow. This gives me the shivering shakes to think about throwing out a bunch of "good" stuff for many reasons. I am learning that I am a saver. Not a hoarder by a long shot, but I can understand the compulsion.
It is also a bit offensive to my casual environmentalist side to add lots of things to landfills unnecessarily. I have to face the fact that we will probably not be having the fantasy garage sale, though. So that's the plan for today.

Recommended Reading

We are reading an AMAZING book about a boy with ADHD called Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key. This book does an incredible job portraying the life of a boy who tries to be "normal" but isn't. Joey is hyperactive, impulsive, and has a hard time paying attention to whoever happens to be talking to him. He is accident-prone and is eventually sent to a "special" school to get help. Though it sounds like some kind of lame after-school special, it is not at all preachy or saccharine or corny. It is quite funny to read about Joey's predicaments, and keeps my little ADHD boy listening for at least a couple of chapters at a time. He has even volunteered to read to me for short periods, and was delighted to come across the word "damn" in a story. We have been working our way through for a while now, but the book is quite a bit beyond D's reading level. I'm sure that this will be one of the chapter books that we'll finish though. It is very tempting to me to pick it up and finish it after he's gone to bed, but I really want to read it together. Hopefully, we will go on to read the other books in the series.

Super Quick Halloween Grub

D and I were invited to a Halloween party on a recent Friday evening, starting at 6:30. Since I am supposed to work 'til 5:00, this was cutting it kinda close. We were also supposed to bring a "Halloween themed appetizer". Ummm....yeah. I went to the grocery store and wandered around for a while until I found this horrible/incredible product. For those times when you need a cheesecake but don't have the time to whip one up, just spread some of this stuff in a crust! It tastes pretty good too.
Went to the dollar store and bought 2 halloween plates and 2 color coordinated ice cream bowls with that scary liquid inside for freezing to keep the bowl's contents cold.
When I got home I opened a can of pumpkin we had in the cupboard and dumped about half of it into the cheesecake filling. Just enough so that you could taste it, but not so much that other ingredients needed to be involved. This helped cut the sweetness down a tiny bit and turned the whole thing a very lovely shade of light orange. Plopped that into the bowls and filled the plates up with graham cracker snacks shaped like bones (Scooby Snacks) and bugs. TaDa!!! It was embarrassingly easy, and yet was the hit of the party with everybody asking me what the recipe for the dip was.
It's a good thing.

Goalkeeper

Things have been a little rough lately, so I thought I'd post some happy soccer pictures.

goodbye summer

D's Nuts

I had to go buy D a cup the other day after his soccer coach strongly recommended he wear one for his first game. Not really a big deal, I don't have a problem with stuff like that. In case you ever need a tutorial, though, a good place to get some info is here. D, however, didn't really know much about the subject either, and wondered what this piece of plastic was all about. He guessed that it was in case you got "hit in the nuts". And I automatically said, "testicles".
I have spent so much time reading stuff about what if your adoptive/foster child has been sexually abused or abusive, and they all say that proper terminology is the most healthy way to refer to ones naughty bits. In fact it's essential to use the correct names comfortably. Even most normal kid advice about how to be comfortable and open about sex within the family says the same thing. I say bullocks!
It feels very unnatural and incredibly self-conscious to speak of testicles outside of health class. Whenever the twins come up in conversations with others, they are referred to as nuts, balls, jewels, etc. While this is not a constant topic of discussion in our house, it has come up, and surely will again. To use the proper names feels very stuffy and uncomfortable with the parts being named and everything having to do with them. Exactly the opposite of the intended effect. I want my son to be able to talk to me about all sorts of things including sex and his body. To force a specific vocabulary seems like a good way to cut off natural conversation. Perhaps it would be different if I had him from infancy and taught him proper names from the beginning, but to go back seems unnecessary and foolish. Of course, emotional & value-laden terms are not appropriate as are many slang terms unrelated to the body.
As far as penis goes, I can't think of an alternative that is not a "dirty word." And thankfully, so far I do not have a girl to ponder the possibilities of vagina verbiage.

Eat Them Up Yum

D caught a fish today. He went to the Ole Fishing Hole with summer latchkey. I was not expecting anything to come back with him. I thought they'd release anything they caught. Surprise! And he wanted to eat it. He was acting all brave about preparing it until the time came to actually do it.
So this is why I became a vegetarian 10 yrs ago. I could not bear to touch raw, unprocessed meat, so I figured I might as well not eat it either. And though I have eaten the odd hamburger or hot dog in the past couple of years, I was not looking to take knife to flesh. But at least they gutted it before sending it home.
After making a few phone calls looking for advice, I just went ahead and did it. It turned out pretty good, I think. I hate fish, so didn't taste it, but it looked ok. He ended up taking a few bites, and gave it a thumbs up. Then the dogs ate a few bites.
BEING A MOM CAN BE SOOOO GROSS!!!

I Feel Pretty! Oh So Pretty!

Thursday we had a celebration for the end of D's in-home therapy. We went bowling with his therapist and case manager and had a lot of fun. And as much as everyone's so proud of how he's done, it is still one more loss for him. He and his cutie little therapist boy wrote letters to each other about what they've learned, fun times they had, what they hope for his future. The letter D got was wonderful and I told him he needs to keep it and read it sometimes when he's feeling down. Two more people that he learned to trust are gone. That's why I wasn't really sure that I would start him with a new therapist now that this is over. He said that he wants to, though. Why? To talk. I can't imagine him talking about anything much, just chattering. So far, I have not gotten the feeling that any of these people know any more than I do. And man, it's a pain to always have appointments. We'll give it a try and see how it goes.
Today, he went for a surprise visit with my sister and her boyfriend. He's going to stay for a couple of nights and I'll go pick him up (about 2 1/2 hours away) after court on Tuesday. He's been kinda crabby the past few days, I think mostly because of therapy ending. Hopefully he won't be to hard to get along with while he's there.
At the church we go to, the kids leave during the service and have a mini sunday school during the sermon. In the summer, different people take turns going out and hanging with them. Today a woman and her teenage daughter were taking care of them I think for the first time. When another mom asked how the kids were for them, they said some of them were good while giving the eye to D and his partner in crime. D giggled a little and whispered to me that he locked them out of the room!!!! Not funny. Ok, kinda funny, but still bad little boy thing to do.

First Thing This Morning...

D (sleepily coming down the stairs): Can we go to the dentist today? What day is it?
Mom: Saturday. Why do you want to go to the dentist?
D: To get my braces.

Thank you Dr. R for telling my kid that he is going to have braces. And on the same day I spent $200+ on fillings.

Durable Goods

My kitchen has a very bad odor. I've cleaned and cleaned. Thrown away produce, mopped the floor, done the dishes and cleaned the drains, even scrubbed the door frame. It is coming from the refrigerator. Mind you, this has not been an easy conclusion to come to. The smell is bad. Bad especially in light of the extreme August heat and humidity. Bad enough that even though I was determined to find the culprit, I did not want to sniff it directly. So find the bad smell, but try not to smell it. Right. Initial whiffs of the inside of the fridge revealed nothing unusual. It's coming from behind the grate on the bottom. Common sense would tell you to get in there and clean and/or fix the problem. Instead, my craving to buy a major appliance was triggered. Yes, I harbor fantasies of picking out my very own washing machine, stove, or refrigerator. Not one that came with the house or was a donation from the cousin of this guy my uncle works with. Is it because I'm so hopelessly broke right now that only a huge, major purchase could make me feel better? Don't know, but I spent the day wiping my drool off of beautiful, stainless steel, french door, freezer on the bottom iceboxes with humidity controlled crispers, doors that can hold gallon jugs, and a choice of crushed or cubed ice in your filtered water which is dispensed perfectly from the outside. I went home to vacuum off the condenser coils and clean the drain pan of my ancient avocado abomination and pout about its lack of digital temp control.

The Shortest Year

It has been exactly one year since we became a full-time family. The other day as we got ready in the morning, D said something about how he loves being in a family with two dogs and a beautiful mom!!!! Things are so different from the day he moved in. I am not constantly waiting for an outburst, attack, tantrum, or destructive rage. There are definitely still very rough moments, but they are moments and not a constant. About a week ago, we had a super milestone in anger management terms. I wanted D to take a shower before bed. He was busy watching cartoons. This could easily have been the start of an evening long battle had it happened a few months ago. And though he did come up to me aggressively, he was able to stop when I told him to slow down and think about what was happening. He went over to the dog and lay down next to him on the floor and hugged him for a while instead of hitting him in frustration. This helped him calm down and get it together a bit. I told him if he starts a fight every time he watches tv, something I've been noticing, we will have to rethink the whole tv privilege. He said he wasn't starting a fight, he was just ANGRY AT ME!!!!!! He used words!! To express his anger!!! And then did what I asked him to do!!!!!!! We are both proud of the self-control he showed. Here's hoping it will happen more and more frequently...

I'm still getting used to being a mom and everything that goes with it. I would never consider going back, though.

A Series of Events to Remember for Court

Fri, 7-20 : Cute little Black Dog shows up in the neighborhood, slips under a fence, and plays with dogs in yard behind us.
Sun, 7-22 : Dog hanging around still, comes to play with dogs behind us, then notices our dogs and sniffs around them for a while. That night, outside, I notice Black Dog running around with another skinny, young dog. This one has a tag. I am a sucker, and hope that if one of my dogs ever gets away that someone will help them out. So I coax them into my yard, read the tag (city license, no name or #) and let that dog in the house because he is wriggling his way through the door anyways. Will call city clerk in AM, take dog to his owner, the end. Black Dog sits outside the door whining, crying, and barking now that he's left alone. Reluctantly let him in, too. They shouldn't be wandering around on garbage night anyways, being traffic hazards and strewing trash all over the place. Sucker.
Mon, 7-23 : Get owner's name and number and begin calling before work. Their ans. machine says memory full and cell phone goes straight to voicemail. Shut the dogs in backyard and go do my day. Periodically call Cujo's owner with the same results every time. When we get home, gate's open and dogs are gone. Oh well. They show up again after dark. Cry, whine, bark in backyard and drive my dogs insane. Another night w/no sleep.
Tues, 7-24 : Begin calling again before work. Reach owner on cell. Tells me his son is probably at home and take the dog over there. "Just open the front door and let him in." (!) It WAS the scary house I was hoping it wasn't. Building permit in window and construction materials and laundry all over living room and, oh yeah, guns and knives artfully displayed on the wall. Cujo appeared to be at home.
Black Dog shows up that evening, and surprise! Cujo's back.
Thurs, 7-26 : Take D to summer latchkey, and return home. Black Dog and Cujo running around. Stop car at corner and call them to me. Go home to get Animal Control's number. Call to say they are right here. Come get them. Eventually had to give up waiting and return to work. Get home that night and Black Dog greets us. Neighbor says dog catcher couldn't catch him. Cujo makes another nighttime appearance.
Fri, 7-27 : D spent night at Grandma's, so when I saw Cujo's owner's truck creeping around, I thought, "cool, now it's just the little guy." He kept creeping, though and stopped in front of my house for a couple of minutes. When he left, I looked out and Black Dog was huddled, shivering on the top step in the corner of my front door. Opened it to let him in, and M dashes out to freedom. Follow him around neighborhood, trying to get him back and Animal Control pulls up. She chases him home, gets Black Dog from me, and GIVES ME A TICKET for having an animal at large since she saw M out only a month or so ago. Make sure I show up on court day or they WILL issue a bench warrant. Ummm...WHAAAAA???? Ok, right, just explain? If there were a reasonable judge in our district, maybe, but it has just been recommended by the Judicial Tenure Committee to censure this judge due in part to ridiculous sentencing rulings. "The JTC finds bond and sentencing practices ... constitute judicial misconduct in office and conduct clearly prejudicial to the administration of justice," so hopefully she will not be having a bad day.

All Quiet on the Home Front

D's at camp this week until Friday. I took Tues and Wed off from work. Tuesday night I am going to see Wicked with my mom and her friend. Wednesday the gas company is moving the meter from the basement outside. And all around those two events, I am supposed to finish about 3000 projects or chores around here. So far I have matched a laundry basket of socks. Woohooo! What a start!
It felt a little weird dropping him off yesterday. Neither of us was really sure what to do after we checked him in. I didn't know if I should hang out 'til he got settled in and found a pal or something. I gave him a hug and left him just kinda wandering around the check-in area. I'm a little nervous about him wetting the bed. He had been doing really great for a long time, at least a month or two. Then last week it was like every night at least one accident. He got a bottom bunk right across from the bathroom, and I gave his CIT a heads-up about making sure he went before bed. I honestly think I'm more concerned about it than he is. I think he has the idea that nobody can tell that he has a cloud of pee vapors surrounding him. I don't want him to be really self-conscious if he can't help it, but if it's just a matter of him being too lazy or busy to go use it... I don't know. We have had so many way more important things to work on before this even made it onto the list. It could be a big problem at sleep away camp, though.
Of course I miss him, but it is giving me a little bit of a chance to breathe. With two therapy sessions a week, a psych med review once a month, the dentist, etc. I have the constant feeling that I'm forgetting something. This week, I'm not! It makes me second guess my hope to adopt another kid. Well, that and the fact that I would have to finish all the stalled home improvement projects before I even started the process.
I should go to bed now to get a good start on the cleaning tomorrow morning.

oh why is it 2:00 and i am still up? my stomach is grossed out so bad that i did the naughty bulimia boogie. i think i ate something HORRIBLE. hopefully it is gone now. i also watched a non-kid movie for the first time in forever. Tarnation. why i insist on watching disturbed and/or disturbing movies i have no idea. i cannot get it out of my head, though. and the mt. dew i drank after d went to bed probably didn't help any of this. who would have guessed that a wild night in 2007 would be a pop, a dvd, and a puke?
karate was very short-lived. neither of us is very motivated to go to bootcamp after our long days. hopefully, we can do other healthy fun things. but screw that! right now we are on a kick of playing midnight club 3 all the time. d likes to drive around the cities in his cop car pretending to pull people over and stuff, and i race race race. we are very low-quality right now. i have very recently fed my child dinner from 7-11. terrible. i have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately. a million deadlines, appointments, field trip permission slips, bills, and on and on in a never-ending avalanche of paper and calendars and bouncing checks. it seems like it would be such a simple thing to get organized...

Karate for Peace

D and I have started this peaceful karate training that is supposed to help him with self-control, discipline, etc. I have to join in the program. It is really strange since it's not really a class, just show up when you want and work out. We are doing conditioning right now. Here is what we are supposed to do:

*laps around the studio to warm up - walking, walking backwards, skipping, skipping backwards, one foot over the other, sideways gallop, walk around rolling head and arms, running
*10 push-ups, 10 crunches to both knees, 10 squat/stand/kicks
*run to other side of studio
*9 push-ups, 9 crunches to both knees, 9 squat/stand/kicks
*run to other side of studio
*8 push-ups, etc. all the way down to 1 of everything
*5 minutes of jumping rope moving forward, backward, sideways, and in circles
*25 right, front start kicks (I have no idea what they are actually called)
*25 left, front start kicks
*25 right, rear start kicks
*25 left, rear start kicks
*25 right roundhouse kicks
*25 left roundhouse kicks
*25 right kicks using whole foot or the ball of the foot
*25 left kicks using whole foot or the ball of the foot
*10 quick punches
*10 powerful punches
*10 elbow blows
*5 "diamond" push-ups, with thumbs and first fingers making diamond shape under chest
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands directly below shoulders
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands out to the side as far as possible
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 push-ups with hands directly below shoulders
*10 each of quick, powerful, and elbow
*5 "diamond" push-ups
*run and walk a couple more laps to cool down
*then we may work on "mental martial arts" learning about "the four agreements"

Ok, just looking at that list makes me exhausted. D LOVES it! I told him that I would work hard at karate like I expect him to work hard on therapy and becoming a healthy family. I have taken lots of breaks and skipped over things here and there. But today I did the whole countdown bit. 55 push-ups (though fairly weak and girly), 110 crunches, and 55 squat/kicks!!!
Supposedly, this has helped turn many bad boys and girls onto a path of positive changes in behavior. We'll see how it goes.

Honeymoon's Over

Finally Finalized

Why are moms mean to their kids?

D-
Moms are mean, because they love their children. Kids are still learning how to make good decisions and follow rules. A parent's job is to guide their son or daughter towards the best choices that ensure their safety, health, and success. I will be the first to admit that you did not have a very good start to your life. Lots of your "parents" did not care enough to make sure that you were taught right from wrong. That is not to say that they did not care about you, but for whatever reason, they were not able or willing to devote the time or energy needed to be the bad guy when you chose the wrong path. That does not mean that you have an excuse to do things that you know are wrong.
I'm sure that I seem meaner than a lot of your friends' moms. That is because those kids were lucky enough to learn what was expected of them when they were little. The rules were not changed on them all the time the way they were for you every time you moved. So while you are still learning how to follow rules and be responsible, I have to be as mean as it takes to help you learn those lessons. We have a lot of hard work to do to get you caught up to most other 9 yr olds. Believe me when I tell you that you have come a long way since I met you. I promise to try not to put you in situations that you are not ready to handle. And when that happens and you make mistakes or have problems, no matter how angry I am, I will always be there tomorrow. With even more love for you than I had yesterday.
Plus, it's fun to be mean to kids!! (hahahaha just kidding)
Love, Your Mom

Mysterious fees, rate increases, poor customer svc.

JP Morgan Chase Manhattan whatever it's called is the devil!!

Well rounded

Basketball is over for this year. It was a lot of fun. D's team was 2nd and 3rd graders, and they played against the other elementary schools in the district. They definitely looked a lot different at the end of the season than when they started. For the most part, they stopped being afraid of touching the ball and each other, and started competing (sometimes with their teammates - everybody wants to be a hero). I'm looking forward to many more years of cheering for my little jock.

A couple of weeks ago, D took a magic class at the community center. Now he's signed up for 3 more classes at a different city's parks and rec dept. He loves it, but has not shown me very much of what he's learned. I want to encourage ANY interest he shows in any subject. Even if it means he's hanging out with magicians! I think he spent too much of his life so far in front of the tv or video games and was lacking a certain spark of curiosity and imagination when I first met him. I have seen glimmers of it more and more lately. He wants to take so many classes or play different sports, just like his mom :) On the way home the other night, he asked me, "Do you have a shoebox?" Yes. "If I make a rabbit appear from a shoebox, can I keep it?"

Good Hair-itage

The Hair. The general message communicated to white parents of black children is that hair can be a very big issue. If not taken care of, it becomes a visual symbol of all the reasons why transracial adoption may not be a good idea. How one cares for the hair is representative of how one cares for the child it is attached to.
We have not been doing a good job with D's hair so far. At first, a haircut was just not at the top of the list during the first few weeks. Then, as it grew, D decided that he wanted to keep growing it, with the eventual goal of braiding it. I am not the least bit interested in dictating how my kid's hair should be styled, so go for it. HOWEVER, neither one of us took the initiative in keeping it nice and neat. So, yes, he was a tiny bit nappy at times. But in a way that was cute to my ignorant green eyes. My beautiful, natural boy - happy to be nappy and all that. Then we started getting comments about combing his hair, and it's looking a little dry, and maybe you can get some advice at the beauty supply store, etc. Still, with all the other issues, not something I was very worried about getting into a big fuss about. I reminded him to comb it every morning, and kind of left it up to him for the most part. I tried my hand at combing it out a few times, but of course, he winced and whined like he was way too tender-headed for my rough fumbling.
Today we went to the barber. Yes, The Barbershop. Shave and a haircut, men hanging out, BET on the television, little boy sweeping up.... Should I have been uncomfortable? I wasn't particularly. (Is that a symptom of white privilege? Feeling like you are allowed to be wherever you want to be? This is the type of thing I think about all the time now.) Anyways, D got his baby 'fro cleaned up, and looked like his face was about to crack he was smiling so big. He looked at himself all night in the mirror, and said things like "I'm never gonna lay down again!" The barber told us to buy a pick and told me to get on him about keeping it up. Hopefully, we have turned over a new leaf in the hair care department, and proof of my love for him radiates out of his beautiful black curly head.