The Right to Privacy?

I have had it. I don't know what's going on, but D has been a monster lately. Constant attitude, loud sighs, slamming doors, throwing things, "who cares", "i don't care", "so what". He's not even 11 yet, I'm not ready for the evil teenage stereotype. I wish I could make myself believe that it's his last big effort at distancing himself before he settles in and lets me be his mom. The therapist was talking about how he needs to be Respectful, Responsible, and Fun to Be Around. That's all I want. He doesn't even have to be fun to be around. I would accept just not being evil and hateful.
After another evening of hell, I got a nice punch in the arm and then he went and pissed all over the bathroom. So I refused to let him out until he cleaned it up. He tried to fight his way out. This gave me a chance to work on my old tai chi techniques. Meeting hard with soft, yang with yin, and it actually worked surprisingly well. He tried to pretend he was really sleepy and when that didn't work, he laid down on the rug and pretended he was just gonna sleep there. He tried a half-hearted swipe with a cleaning wipe. He tried to annoy his way out. Repeating and repeating the same thing over and over. He tried to shut the door on me claiming he had to use it. Would refusing to let him go to the bathroom by himself scar him even more?
Then he started running into me. I was pushing him off at first and then I started thinking about how he must really need some contact, so I started giving him a hug every time he bounced into me. After a couple of minutes, that did it. He cleaned everything I told him to, even under the back of the toilet where the seat is screwed on. Then he went to bed without demanding I accompany him. !!! It is exhausting, though, and leaves very little energy for the rest of my life. And then I try to not beat myself up over how filthy and unorganized the house is. I feel so incompetent so much of the time.
And, on top of everything, I am coaching a 2nd and 3rd grade boys basketball team at D's school, and he is supposedly my asst coach. I'm doing the best I can, most of the time.

To Hell with Heelys

I'm an old woman now. I tried very hard for a long time to not get old as I inched farther and farther into adulthood. I don't want to give up my boy clothes and my video games and start clutching a purse close to my chest and wagging my finger at youngsters. I still ride my bike on the hilly, ditchy path at D's school with him. I really try not to freak out about laundry stains. When the street has dirt in it, I do not feel compelled to sweep it.
Today, during D's Special Time (which still seems pretty pointless), he wanted to go out and roll around in our Heelys. It's never been a problem for me before. They are fun, and as long as you are aware of how you put your foot down when walking, they aren't that hard to fool around in. Today, right after we got outside, WHAM! I fell backwards. My elbow is scraped up a little, but some good ol' H2O2 should take care of that. The real problem is I landed on my hip. Now I feel like I have some idea of why people often just keel over and die after breaking their hips. It is excruciating! And it is torture to move, sit, stand, bend, or lay. Lucky for me, I have a spry son who is willing to help his old lady out with some things around the house. HAHAHAHAHAHa yeah right!

The Therapy Angel

I think we've finally made it through the upheaval and disruption of the (not so) new school year. Things have calmed down a bit. I have been trying to set aside "D's special time" every day for 15-30 minutes of whatever he wants to do together. Many times it has been watching tv while we eat dinner, but we also play with cars, tiny wrestling guys, his Tech Decks, or I watch him put on a show of singing and skateboard tricks. The idea is that giving a clingy, needy kid his own "very special time" together will put into his head that he is not being ignored and that he does get enough attention from mom. In practice, I'm not that convinced. He is still pretty much underfoot unless he is playing with his friends.
Since we were having so many problems for a while there, I began a real search for a new therapist. One that specialized in attachment and working with adopted kids. The one that I contacted first, of course, didn't have any room for new clients in the evening. Same with the woman that she recommended. But the third one ended up being able to see us in the evening. And hallelujah!
I went to the first session alone with her, and she sat and talked with me for an hour and a half. She did not rush me or look pointedly at the clock. She has adopted "older" children from foster care and KNOWS. She knew what I was going to say before I said it, but not in a way like I am so simple and she's so above all this. She just understood. She let me blab on and on about D, and seemed genuinely excited to help us. We completely agree that her job is not to 'fix' D, but to broach subjects and make suggestions that I can then follow up on. It is a lot different for a nice lady to tell you about how or when you should do things than to have that ogre mom tell you. I can't wait. She's already inspired me to make some changes. We started a new schedule today with 50 minutes of study time. Homework, reading, writing, it doesn't matter what he has brought home or forgotten. He will just have to fill that time, so it does no good to "forget" a book at school or to hurry through something all quick and sloppy and wrong. He seems absolutely fine with the idea. We even played Baseball Multiplication after the time was up.

The election at his school today ended up being a landslide for Obama with something like 162 - 37! So take that whoever stole my Obama/Biden bumper sticker!

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!

It is so hard to be the parent of a mentally/emotionally damaged child. D's game lately is to command me to do something. Tonight it was find his clothes for picture day tomorrow. In fact, I already had and told him so. But it seems that the clothes were not what he needed, he just wanted me to follow his order. Unacceptable. Unfortunately, if I refuse, he starts a struggle that can go on for an hour or more. If he can't get me to obey through threats or begging or trying to stop whatever I'm doing, he will start pushing me which can eventually lead to hitting. Any parent who allows themselves to be pulled into a power struggle has already lost some power. So, there is my dilemma. If I let him order me around, I lose. If I refuse, I also lose.
And, he will argue with me over anything. Not just regular stuff like bedtime, or how much is too much candy. Tonight, we both were on his bed within clear sight of his clock. I said "It's past 9:30." "No, it's not." INSANE!!!! It is this steady drip of craziness that starts to get to you. It beats you down after a while to where you are not able to stay calm and in control the way you should. You are pulled deeper and deeper into the scary, insecure world that he lives in.
Anyways, it is really hard.

Hate you too, Citicorp!

In continuing with the better financial togetherness goals, I finally got on the horn and called one of my credit card companies to get them to lower my rate like everybody suggests. Why, yes, it was a Citicard! How did you guess? After a couple of late payments, my interest rate had gone up to close to 30%! I know, it's absolutely ridiculous, and it took me way too long to call. They really try to convince you that you are horrible and deserve to be taken advantage of because you forgot their magic date a few times. I threatened to cancel my account and was immediately passed from the initial customer "service" rep who "unfortunately is unable to help me at this time" to an account "specialist" who apparently is able to do a little more. Ok, I'll quit with the quotation marks. Anyways, she was able to "convince" (haha I swear that's all) me to keep my account if she would lower my rate to APR + some number I already forget and also give me 9 months at a low low introductory rate of 2.8% or something along those lines. I agreed and should be able to save quite a bit just because of the insane gouging that was going on. I'm sure it helped that I have had that account for 14 years, I always carry a balance, and my credit score is quite good despite my horrible financial flaws. But another 5 minute clean up done. That should be my new goal. Do something everyday that takes 5 - 10 minutes or so and can make my life slightly better. Writing goals down helps a lot too. I always scoffed at that write it down business, but it does seem to work sometimes for me. Just seeing the words, and even more, the possibility that someone else might see them gets me to follow through.
Last night, D told me the longest, most coherent story he's ever even come close to. It was about his life so far, starting with a foster home where they beat him. (sad face emoticon doesn't cut it here) I don't remember what started it, but he was going on about being scared and going into the mom and dad's room and she was mad and if she chased him, he would run into his room and hold the door, and if she was too strong with him holding it with just one hand, he would use two hands. If she was too strong for two hands, he would use his hands and a foot. This continued until he would have to call on his foster brother who he shared the room with. And she would go get a belt. He is constantly blabbing on and on about "what if..." and I thought this was one of those, though a very interesting one. I asked him if someone hit him with a belt and he put his head under his pillow and pulled his sheet all the way up and told me that was what he did if he was gonna tell someone a gross story that he never said before. He said he was playing with a new toy, and his foster sister came up and grabbed it so they were both pulling it and his foster mom got mad at him. She told him to pull down his shorts and underwear so she could whip him with a belt. Then he moved to a few more houses and then moved to his foster mom who he called Grandma and then he met me and they were trying to decide who he would live with, black Grandma or white mom, and they picked the white mom and he got used to the white family and he was waiting for me to pick him up with all his clothes in a garbage bag... It got quite a bit more unintelligible as far as plot was concerned after that. He was getting too sleepy. I probably shouldn't be putting his business all out in public, but if I don't write it down, I will forget. Since this is where I'm doing the journal thing, it's here or nowhere. I need as many clues as he'll give me to put his history together, and he almost never talks about his foster homes. Poor baby.

The Continuing Improvement Project

Always always dreaming of being better. Better eater, better exerciser, better bill payer, better organizer and cleaner.
The first step of getting into a good declutter vibe will be online. I am going to go through my email and find any advertising from the various stores that I've bought things from. I will unsubscribe from each site's "newletter" or mailing lists that tempt and taunt me and my new spartan budget.
So goodbye, Threadless, and your $9 tshirt sales that I've resisted for weeks and your sad face shopping cart calling me stranger. Goodbye, Borders, and your constant coupon pushing. So long, Planet Dog, and your incredibly sturdy and long lasting dog toys and free gifts with purchase. Au revoir, Santa Rosa Gardens with your beautiful photos of plants on super sale. See ya, ebags, teasing with your highly affordable close-out deals. Later alligator to you, Duluth Trading. I still love your handy, tradesman tested tools and organizers. And also to the others that will pop up in the next few weeks, I will miss you all. It's for the best. I will still have links to you right here in case I truly need something. It's not you, it's me.

You Sank My Destroyer!

A few outbursts today and a surprise body check (like hockey, not CSI), but after a while, he came and talked to me while I washed the dishes. He wanted to know why he couldn't watch tv, and I told him how I think it makes him crabby and disrespectful and downright mean sometimes. It makes kids think they need lots of THINGS that they don't even really want. And how lately it has been his default activity. He tried to make some statement about "when he was 9". That led to a discussion about how people change and it's not usually over night. He let me blab on and on about everything and listened to me and asked questions! Later I let him know how proud I was of him for being so calm and listening even though he mostly didn't like or agree with what I was saying. That's something that a lot of grown-ups aren't able to do all the time.
Then we played a game of battleship before bed.
Work has been ok so far. Mostly I have been doing data entry kinds of stuff - learning the computer system and adding new books and new kids. A couple of classes of first graders came in for a story today. They are so funny and adorable. It was their first full day of school, so they really don't know anything about how to do school yet. Too cute. 3:30 does seem to come around pretty fast. I love it. Still plenty of time before dinner to accomplish a few things. I love it. I love it.

'Cause I Forget by the Time Therapy Rolls Around

Of course, since school starts tomorrow, we had to have a big blowout tonight to celebrate. Not the cake and balloons kind, the hit-your-mom-and-act-completely-out-of-your-gourd kind. We came in tonight around 8:00 to start winding down and getting ready for tomorrow. I was preparing for washing the dishes, and D started asking what can he do that is not boring. Being the horrible killer of all fun that I am, I decreed there would be no tv, movies, or video games before bed. This is his cue to do his broken record routine. Tonight it was "what can I do something fun?" This is not an exact quote, as I cannot remember what he was actually saying. He very often has bizarre sentence structure, and the tendency increases with his level of distress. After doing my best to ignore the performance, I began my own repeated reply of "go get ready for bed". Leads to the usual: I try to get away and remain as calm as possible as he follows and steadily increases his demand for attention. He ranted and wasted away the time that we would have spent reading, then it was agreed that I would come up for the bedtime hang out/cuddle. But he just had to throw one more pile of socks at my face. I told him to forget it. Nuclear explosion. He started smashing me and pushing on my arm after I went and layed down on the couch on the porch. I said something about he must be scared, maybe for tomorrow, and that's why he feels like he has to be some kind of badass trying to bully his mom to hide the fear. A little too close to the truth? He started smacking my head and face. Ripping blankets and pillows and cushions off the couch. I still was refusing to play the game and continued telling him to go to bed. He tried to get my head in the pillowcase he had in his hand, and when that failed he just kept hitting me with it. I started crying and told him I was sorry he was so hurt that he didn't know the proper way to express his emotions. I went up to his room and invited him into bed with me so I could cuddle him and when he snuggled up, I said it is not fair that he never had parents that he felt safe enough with that he could talk about his feelings instead of having to try to be tough and feel like he had to protect himself. His reply was laughter and "How romantic!" I think he meant "touching" but, again, doesn't have the vocab to know the right words. I just looked at him and he stopped laughing and put his head down and I stayed for a few minutes with my arm draped over his back. He came downstairs about an hour later and said his mouth was dry. I made him tell me how he could solve that problem, and then made him do it. I'm going to have to insist on having him owe me restitution somehow, so we are likely to have a repeat or two in the next few days. Yippee!

Labor Day Weekend

We went to the Jazz fest today with my sister and bro-in-law. It was pretty hot and the sun was unrelenting, but still it was a good time. First we saw a tribute to Alice Coltrane. Very modern, free jazz. The guys were not crazy about it, but I enjoyed it. D thought it sounded like they were "fooling around". Very very big names on the stage, and definitely worth the $0 entrance fee to see them.
We walked around a bit and then went and saw a quartet. We posted ourselves on a hill with our backs to the band (how rude!) and facing the river. It was lovely, and the music was much more formed and coherent. A nice end to the afternoon.
The kids start school on Tuesday. So far so good with the new job. The first day was meetings. The second and third days I got to check out my library and the people I'll be working with. The building staff all seem very nice, if somewhat technologically challenged. I have already helped several with computer issues, and I haven't touched a Mac since high school - a long time ago. The 3 traveling librarians are all going to be coming to my school at some point during the week. I'm still trying to get a feel for them. Two seem quite nice and one seems pretty rigid, but she's the one who was nodding and smiling and winking at me during my interview. She also said many times "she's good" about me to staff, so we'll have to see about her. She will only be there one afternoon a week anyway. Since my position is new, and things are all different from how they used to be, it seems as though we will be winging it for a little while. It is not exactly clear yet how I fit into the scheme of things, and I think it will be up to me to carve my own niche within the building and the media/library program. We already had a day off though! woohoo for the new schedule!

A change is comin'

Well, I hate to be right about it, but D quit football. It was "too hard" and he didn't like having NO free time and rushing around, gulping down dinner in the car. I don't blame him at all, and am pretty glad myself that we don't have to go through all that. Practicing 2 hours 5 times a week is a lot, even for older kids. He would have to REALLY love football to do it, and D just wanted the outfit. So we are taking the fall off - no sports or classes or regularly scheduled events. The goal is to concentrate on school and get off to a good start. Hopefully.
The big news is that I will be starting my new job on Tuesday. I will be working as a media center paraprofessional in a local elementary school. The library helper. I can't wait. But I'm also pretty nervous. It's been 9 years since I started a new job, and this is quite different from fixing copiers (though machine maintenance will be one of my duties). I will have essentially the same schedule as D, except for professional development days. He is supposed to be a safety this year, so he will have to go to school a little early and stay a little late to be at his post. When he is done, he can walk home and I will be home most likely within a few minutes. I think the responsibility of having and using his own key will lessen the blow of no more latchkey. He loves going to latchkey, and I don't think it's sunk in yet that he won't need to go anymore. Overall, though, I think this will be a good change for both of us. Money will be tight, but time is more important to me now. It'll all work out.

RIP Bernie Mac

Hi Ho Hi Ho

D made his own lunch three times this week. I am slowly trying to get him to be responsible for himself in the mornings. As much as possible anyways. So, for a couple of weeks, he has been responsible for making sure he has his swimsuit and towel before we leave. Now I'm adding the lunch (with close supervision to make sure it is not all cookies and donuts and fruit snacks), and he has pretty much been getting his clothes for himself in the morning. I know that probably sounds absolutely ridiculous, but the laundry is rarely folded around here and usually ends up in a big pile in my room. To find matching socks and a pair of drawers can be a challenge even for me sometimes. But I'm trying to let go and let him figure it out by himself. There is no reason he can't help with laundry if it's too frustrating to find stuff. And I have been biting my tongue about the outfits he puts together. Lots of navy + black and various shades of oranges + reds. Sometimes I make suggestions, a couple of times I've made him change, but mostly he's in charge of how he looks.
Hopefully by the time school starts again, we will have everything under control. HAHAHA
I know that he needs to do things himself and have responsibilities. It just takes soooo loooong. It is seemingly impossible for him to talk and do anything else at the same time. Multitasker he is not!

What's Wrong With Kevin?

The other day, D came out of summer latchkey with a nametag sticker that had a shortened version of his name with a J after it. I asked him who "D*** J." was, and he told me that Joe Jonas called him on his invisible cell phone and told him he could be one of the Jonas brothers. Silly.
Then, the next day, he told me that Lebaron was Joe Jonas, and Martel was Nick Jonas, and since nobody wanted to be Kevin (?), D was now Bonus Jonas. And he gets all the girls. I laughed for a long time and had to put him in a picture with them and add some funky fresh hair too.

Good Things About Summer

Tonight was the last night of baseball. D's team lost 2 in a row against the Tigers and are out of the playoffs now. He had a pretty great game, though. Made a play as 1st baseman, hit a double, and the super duper dream come true - HE GOT TO PITCH. It was only for a few batters at the end of the last inning. They pretty much had already lost, and he threw almost all balls, but struck out his friend from school. He was sad they lost, but was a good sport and was fine after getting an ice cream with the team. I love his coach for letting him pitch. He has been practicing so hard, harder than I've ever seen him practice anything. So far, I think baseball has been the best sports experience. And I think D liked it too. haha
Today was also the first time I was able to eat something from the garden. Green beans! My absolute favorite, from when I was a tiny kid looking forward to Grandpa's beans, as opposed to the usual mushy gray canned beans. We have a lot of tomatoes, but they are all still green. The corn was definitely "knee high by the 4th of July". Zucchini flowers have started blooming the past few days. Our green pepper plant is way too crowded where it is, but there is a tiny pepper on it, and the peas are still hanging in there. We have snitched a few of those and eaten them straight off the vine. And the hazelnut trees/bushes that I planted a couple of years ago both have the beginnings of nuts all over them. Yay!

Pigskin, shmig-skin

This morning we signed D up for football. Tackle football. He is incredibly excited and I have mixed emotions. I detest most of those football guys, but it may be a good experience for him. His coach seemed like a nice guy from the short time we talked to him.
I really did everything I could to steer D away from football and towards soccer. Unfortunately, his soccer team has been a bit of a dud. They lose all the time, don't work very well as a team, most of the kids are kinda lumps and generally don't work very hard when they bother to show up at all. Not much competition for the shiny allure of *FOOTBALL* - with all its macho gear and toughness. I don't know if D is up for all the work involved, though. He is the kid who always cuts corners when running laps. Maybe he will be motivated for this, though, since he has been asking to play since I got him.

Educational? Rap?!?

One of the hard things about being D's mom is helping him with his schoolwork. I cannot quite put my finger on what his exact issues are, but he struggles. Another dilemma that I sometimes wrestle with is choice of music. As a fan of hip hop, I want to be able to share that with him, but as his mother, I want to shield him from a lot of the language, violence, sexism, etc. At least as long as I can.
Enter Mr. Duey. He is a middle school teacher who has created a really amazing album of educational rap. And it's good! I heard an interview with him on the radio today, and I ordered 2 CDs tonight. One for us, and maybe the other one for D's school. Not sure yet, but I was just so impressed that I needed to buy an extra copy. I can't wait 'til it gets here!

Whew!

Mom's home finally. D and I got to see her on Sunday, and she looked pretty rough but I felt better after that. She came home Monday and a visiting nurse came today already to see her. I talked to her tonight and she sounded almost like herself. Not "droggy" as my dad kept saying all week. That's the new word to come out of all this. Presumably it's a melding of drugged and groggy, but I haven't called him on his creative use of the language yet.

Another big sigh of relief for our incredible luck in getting the baseball coach of D's team. He is a great guy. And all the helper dads are too. They are so relaxed and encouraging and still teach the kids SO much. They had their first game last night and stomped the other team. D really had fun for the couple of innings that he was able to play. We had to leave in the middle to go to an appointment. Being the fashion plate that he is, though, he was very happy to wear his uniform to see the Dr. and his therapist and had his little chest all puffed out like a rooster. He is really cute in it, for sure, but I suppose I'm biased.

Mom is still in the hospital after a whole week. She does not want visitors or to talk or watch tv or read.

Infections

The grossest thing happened when we were at the grocery store yesterday. It looked like there was something on D's earring, so I touched it to see if it would come off, and pus exploded out from behind it. Ew ew ew ew ew!!!! Yes it hurt and he doesn't know why he didn't tell me. So emergency ear first aid was needed and then I wanted to put his earring back in to keep the hole from closing. He was having none of it!! He wouldn't let me get my hand anywhere near his ear. And since he has never put his earrings in by himself before, he was having a horrible time. I guess we should have practiced the other day when he had to take them out for soccer. We eventually got everything cleaned and disinfected and back where it belonged, but man, was it an ordeal. I also learned that D does not know that word "pus". He kept asking me if it was still putting. Like a tiny Tiger Woods was playing through his ear. It looks much better today, and he claims it feels better too. I've also made him promise to tell me any time something on his body hurts so much that he can't touch it. Then he asked should he tell me about headaches, which I hear about all the time. And what if his foot itches? And what is the bottom of your foot called? Like soul like what goes to heaven? What is a soul? What happens to your body when you die? But which is really you? And there is a gate in heaven and once you go through, you can drive go-karts...GO TO SLEEP LITTLE BOY!!

In other news, my mom has gone to the hospital. Puking and pains = gallstones. She is having lots of imaging things done, and will be having her gall bladder out asap. It is bringing up a lot of stuff for me and is absolutely terrifying because my Grandma went to the hospital for stomach aches when I was the same age as D. Something went wrong and she never came home. I cannot imagine that. In fact I can't even write about it anymore.

Suspension #2

Yes. Sexual Harassment. D wrote a note that said he wanted to have sex with a girl in his class. The circumstances surrounding this incident are pretty sketchy. Lots of "SoAndSo said this and Soandso told me to write that and then I was crying and somebody told Mrs. Teacher." He did write this note though, and after several phone calls it was decided that I would handle it at home. Then another phone call to say oops we have to suspend him.
We spent the day today working on his schoolwork. At lunchtime, we had a talk about what sexual harassment is and what is the difference between harassment and flirting and how you have to be careful you don't cross the line. Etc etc...
So, now I've been thinking about how I would like him to, of course, respect everybody, but especially girls. Then my feminism screams at me about girls aren't so weak that they deserve extra gentle care. Something along those lines. My feminism sometimes screams unintelligibly. Should I go overboard about being a gentleman to the ladies to counteract all the other influences on him? Or does that lead to less respect and more feeling like men are superior to women? Why do I want him to "especially" respect girls? I think for the most part he has a good feel for boys and girls are different but still equal.
I guess in order to teach your kid morals, you better know what your own are first. Bleh Anyways, hopefully from now on he will at least have a little nagging thought about what's appropriate when the other kids start in on the sex talk.

Baby Boy

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Things have been up and down lately. When things are really bad, I do not usually have the energy or will to write about them, and when things are going fine, I don't think about documenting the day. I was sick for a few days, and that was really hard because D can not handle not being the center of attention. My punishment for being pukey was a punch in the stomach, and for not having the patience to cater to the prince I was threatened with a baseball bat. Things like that just reinforce to me how much his behavior is a result of my own. Not that I make him hit me like some abused woman's excuse for her attacker, but that without me making accommodations for the skills that he hasn't yet developed, he falls back on older survival behaviors that appear completely irrational or maladaptive to those of us with relatively stable beginnings. I act to some extent as the brake on his out of control emotional train. Like the parent of a toddler acting as the child's control before they begin to develop self-control. You wouldn't expect a 2 yr old to be able to manage their emotions and actions in the same way as a 12 yr old, it is just that D is much older physically than emotionally. A lot of my thinking in this direction is influenced by the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green.
There are attachment therapies that rely heavily on some form of regression to much earlier times in a child's life. Like giving them the nurturing and parenting that they did not get the first time around. To that end, we have gotten a very bottle-like sippy cup, a baby blanket, baby lotion, and pacifiers for our very unofficial attachment activities at home. We have played baby D a couple of times, and I have given him his "bottle" once. Not sure if it has accomplished anything, but it is definitely fun for him. He LOVES to play doggy or baby and baby games like peek-a-boo etc. So he can be my baby sometimes as needed.
It is very late and I need to get some sleep to face the week ahead.

10 Yrs Old

"Diamond" earrings + Pancake Puffs (as seen on TV) = Happy Boy

Warm Heart

Tonight we were brushing our teeth, and I asked D wasn't he cold because he was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt. He said no, well yeah, but not once he gets in his warm cozy bed. Then he put his arms out for a hug. When I hugged him, he said, "Thanks for adopting me. I really needed a home."